An ex goes through various stages in the process of disengaging her/himself from a role and in re-establishing another role identity for her/himself. Whether one is moving from childhood to adolescence, from employment to unemployment, from single life to marriage, or vice versa, each of these movements involves a disengagement from the values, norms, social supports and ways of thinking that are associated with the group or relationship one is leaving. Every ex has been involved in a process of disengagement and disidentification, of withdrawing from the expectations and obligations associated with a role.

The doubting and questioning process is usually a gradual one, preceded by an overall dissatisfaction in a general way; a vague discontent for which the cause is not clear. Eventually specific areas of discontent begin to come into focus. Circumstances that raise First Doubts usually fall into one of five categories:

1. Changes

2. Burnout

3. Disappointments (Loss of confidence)

4. Specific Events

5. Discrepancies and Contradictions

1. Changes encourage people to begin questioning whether they want to remain in a relationship or system that is significantly different from the one they first entered.

2. Burnout results when there is a discrepancy between your ideals/expectations and what actually occurs in practice and reality. In order to resolve the tension and deal with the situation, you attempt to make sense and reconcile the two. If the discrepancy between your anticipated ideals and reality is too great, over time, burnout may be experienced.

3. Disappointments happen. When reality is extremely far from the expectation; when betrayal, immorality or lying is involved, lack of compassion, understanding.

4. Specific Events: Some event focuses your feelings of dissatisfaction, brings them to the front and causes you to be very conscious of them.

5. Discrepancies & Contradictions: Through certain circumstances, you begin to wonder about serious discrepancies between what should happen and what does happen. You come to realize that things are not what they are cracked up to be; not what they had appeared to be on the surface; not what they are claimed to be.

Sharing Doubts is how people test reality. Those experiencing doubts often wonder whether they have a one-sided biased view of the situation. They also frequently wonder, "Am I crazy?" Why doesn't everyone else see this? A frequent concern is that they are being deceived by Satan. Significant Others usually either (1) reinforce the reality of the problem by being sympathetic or (2) minimize the significance of the problem and encourage the individual to put on some rose-colored glasses to view the situation. The process of doubting is usually longer for lone doubters than for individuals moving through the process with others. It is far easier to exit when you are not unique and you have the company of others.

Interpretation of Subsequent & Former Events: Often, subsequent events are interpreted in ways that support initial doubts. You review former events you swept under the rug which conflicted with your expectations. You reinterpret the reality of these past experiences. Over time, you pinpoint precisely what you find lacking or existing in your situation which is bothering you. In the past, the feelings these events evoked may have been denied. Now anger, hurt, betrayal may be seen/felt as being valid emotions warranted by the situation and not a "wrong spirit." It is okay to feel the feelings we suppressed. Many experience the desire to share these hard experiences to others who are sympathetic and understanding.

Cueing Behavior: You begin taking control of your life in a few areas and deviate from the rules and norms with which you do not agree.

Reevaluation of Priorities: As you begin to view your belief system as man-made, imperfect, capable of error, in dire need of changes, you begin to realize that you have a choice. (1) Of accepting your role as it is, or (2) Of rejecting and abandoning your role. To go or to stay - that is the burning question.

Disillusion: Some feel absolutely sick with disappointment. Your faith in God may waver until you realize God didn't let you down--it was men who betrayed you. Depression is common.

Serious Study: You begin to study the Bible like you've never studied before. And it opens up WONDERFULLY to you! Often, for the first time in your life, you find yourself actually enjoying and looking forward to your quiet time! You want to find out what the Bible says; what God wants; what you must do to be saved; do the teachings you believed all your life have Biblical support? You are determined to know what God has to say about everything for yourself. You're out to prove or disprove your suspicion that `this way' may not be God's only way. If you prove it is not, then your alternatives are infinite. Some begin to enjoy praise and worship music, listen to Christian radio programs, read Christian literature, attend Christian seminars, enjoy Christian fellowship with others outside.

Seeking viable alternatives: Your actions send out cues that you are discontent, dissatisfied or questioning. As you care less and less what others think, your cues become more pronounced and obvious. Others respond to your cues and make their own interpretation of your behavior. The disengagement process then becomes a mutual one. As you move away from the group, the group reads your cues and withdraws from you. In turn, your commitment to the group is reduced by the group pulling back.

Shifting Loyalties: You may be considering another group and your loyalties begin to shift to that group. You get irritated when insiders criticizes or harshly judge outsiders and their ways. You may go through a time when you feel like you don't belong anywhere; neither here nor there, at loose ends, ungrounded, on the fence--that you are a stranger in two worlds; in a vacuum. Your future is unknown, yet you no longer belong to the past. For some, their allegiance to the group shifts to where it is totally centered on Christ.

Role Rehearsal: You begin to identify with the values, norms, attitudes and expectations held by outsiders who are in the group you are considering. You begin to anticipate and imagine how different your life might be among them--in the role you are considering. You rehearse the role you are contemplating.

You dream about: "One of the first things I'll do if/when I leave is..." You are pretty certain that your nagging suspicion is going to prove correct; that `this way' may not be God's only way, and you're out to prove what is true.

Weighing the pros and cons: The value of your present situation is re-appraised. The Costs of Leaving are compared with the Rewards in Staying. You compare your alternatives with the costs and rewards of continuing in your present situation. Some major drawbacks to leaving are fear of negative criticism, fear of rejection, fear of scorn and gossip, fear of being deceived, fear of being made to feel ashamed, reluctance to hurt Significant Others. You investigate ways to combat, overcome, reduce or face your fears. You explore your expected losses. You eventually come to the point where the disadvantages outweigh the advantages; the costs of staying are too high for what you are getting and doing without; your losses aren't worth the price you are paying.

Talking or Writing Stage: The "clear" button wasn't automatically pushed when you found out the truth. You feel the overwhelming urge to verbalize your feelings and thoughts, past and present. To reinterpret past events that you shoved under the rug in light of your new viewpoint. Giving expression to your thoughts makes them come crystal clear. It is this way with all your inward feelings; expression gives them development. Writing or telling your thoughts and feelings helps you clear out your old thinking patterns, and aids tremendously in formulating new role standards.

Significant events which precede your taking a firm stand and making a definite decision to exit usually fall into one of five categories:

1. A specific, traumatic event

2. The last straw - event following gradual build up; where a relatively minor event that took on symbolic significance

3. Time-related factors (age, mid-life crisis)

4. Events that gave an excuses or justification for an exit

5. Either/or situation where the decision not to leave would have serious consequences

ANGER: may be directed towards oneself for being so gullible; towards the workers who lied to you and betrayed your trust in the name of "the truth!" Some feel anger towards their parents who forced them to conform to the group's rules--this may dissolve when you realize your parents were also victims; victims of the system, of brainwashing, and therefore, not totally responsible for their actions. Some become angry at God. One said, "I felt ripped off, swindled, gypped, betrayed, tricked, cheated when I learned William Irvine started this fellowship. I had been intentionally deceived. My faith in "the Truth" and the workers came tumbling down like Humpty Dumpty and it would never be put together again; but my faith in God was restored and went spiraling up."

GRIEF: for your impending losses; because you know you will be misunderstood, rejected, mistreated, pitied, mocked, spoken evil about; viewed as shallow, gullible, made an object of scorn and ridicule.

You may (1) leave without knowing what direction you will immediately take;

(2) exchange your present belief system for another belief system.

You may go through a period when you take one last, backward, wistful glance, knowing it is no longer viable. The question changes from "IF I leave..." to "WHEN I leave..."

FEELING FREE: You contemplate methods of "going public" with your decision to divorce yourself from the group. The hardest thing you have ever done in your life may be to tell your decision to Significant Others. After all the confrontations with your Significant Others regarding your change of heart, you begin to experience a profound feeling of liberty and freedom--like having a tremendous weight lifted off your heart! Euphoria, relief, excitement, a marvelous sense of being released from bondage! Of being set free!

CHANGES: Some actually move to another locality and make a fresh start where no one knows their past; many WISH it were possible for them to move. Outside friendships already in place are a tremendous help in bridging the transition. Changes occur in friendships. The quality of some relationships change; some for the better while others degenerate or disappear. Some immediately make changes in appearance, possessions, hairstyle, activities, while for other, the process is gradual. Some change to another Bible version.

HAPPY STAGE: You go through high periods where you are on top of the world. You are happy, happy as can be! If only you'd known, you would have made the decision to exit a long time ago! You may still occasionally be plagued by feelings of guilt, fear, nightmares, depression, flashbacks or panic attacks. But your joy overrides them and no one can take it from you!

EXCESS BAGGAGE: As an ex, you carry excess baggage you have not yet jettisoned from the role you exited; a hangover-identity. Gradually this is examined and some of it discarded. There are six areas of struggle in trying to shake off and de-emphasize the previous identity after exiting:

1. Presentation of Self

2. Reactions of Others

3. Intimacies with the Opposite Sex

4. Shifting Friendships

5. Relating to group members and stereotyped behavior assigned to you.

6. Role Residual

1. At first, you make sure people know immediately who you used to be

2. Later, you hide your previous identity

3. Eventually, your ex-status rarely comes up in conversation. It is something you used to be that has become incorporated in who you are now.

* While some adjust and go on with their life, there is anther group who feel a strong urge to reach out and help others in the group who are miserable and hurting like they once were. Helping others out is viewed by these individuals as "doing unto others what they wish had been done to them." For some, helping others becomes a priority for a certain time period, or the life mission/ministry of others. Some write books, some write letters, some reach out and touch by telephone, some do mailings, some feel called to confront the workers. Many express the feeling of "being driven" to do what they do.

These are some typical thoughts that go through some peoples’ minds as they approach what might be the end of their professing days:

~~~ Wednesday night. Bible study. Oh boy. Going to a meeting after hearing and learning all these new things - new to me anyway. Well, I'll give it a try.

Okay, first a hymn or two. That should be okay. I got one or two picked out that pretty much speak (sing?) about grace and about love. Those should be good for tonight or any other meeting.

Hmmm - then prayer. Okay...think...think. Used to pray that I was thankful for the meeting - I guess that could still be okay. Same for the quietness, but I'm not so sure about "the spirit" of the meeting. Come to think about it, I don't know if I ever really understood when someone expressed appreciation for the spirit of the meeting. Wonder if that spirit and that reverence was all tied into the quiet of the meeting? Wonder too if the quiet had anything to do with contemplating what would be said in prayer and testimony? Wow! Could be.

Okay, back to prayer. I think I never actually expressed thankfulness for the workers. Hmmm - was I at fault? Just seemed that they were supposeto be vessels pouring out the word of God. God can use anyone for that, but His word is special. Yeah, I am glad for the word and I think I used to express thankfulness for that before. Still, seems like most in the meeting are thankful for the workers or the way. Some expressed thankfulness for the word, though. Yeah, that will be okay tonight and any other meeting and keep mention of the workers out. Maybe that's part of the problems today. Maybe there is too much esteem for the workers and maybe even a worker worship and a worker domination - you know, commandments of men. Seems to fit. Wow! Remember to look into that!!

Anyway, that prayer would be pretty short. "I'm thankful for the opportunity of this meeting and for God's word. Amen." Let's see - what else? Well, there is all that about not being worthy, wanting to fit in, wanting to stay the course, and be willing for the marks of Christ. That last one seems okay, but before I always understood others to mean that the marks of Christ were about being different from the world and being alienated by the world. Hmmm, is that right though? I don't think so. Mormons and Jehovah Witnesses have those same "marks". So do women in other churches with their clothing and hair rules. Maybe there is a problem there, too. I'll have to look into these marks of Christ that Paul wrote after meeting tonight.

Well, I'll just have to wing anything else in prayer. I sure am thankful for the love of God, that's for sure. Yes sir, I'll sure have to mention that. Imagine. He accepts me! Yes, indeed. And who am I? Nobody. And yet almost no real qualifications for acceptance. The most I can remember about terms of acceptance came from John the Baptist. I think that was when some Pharisees wanted to be baptized and John refused them. Something about holding to their own ways and that they should make a change and then come back.

Okay, after prayer another hymn. I'll give one of mine then if I didn't give one before prayer to start the meeting.

Okay, here we come. Testimony time! Aaaaagh. What in the world willI say? And how will I receive everything else that is said? Well, at least it won't be like Sunday morning meeting. I wonder if all those testimonies are really true . . . "I was reading in - whatever - and I thought . . .". Sure is strange that that hardly ever happened to me. Seems most of my testimonies came first from some thought that struck me while I was at work or maybe in a conversation with someone. Well, maybe I just didn't and don't fit in anyway.

Okay, okay. So, there will be plenty of appreciation for what others have said. That's always nice. And there will be lots of "So and so worker at so and so meeting. .." Man, just more esteem, more lifting up. I wonder just how much of that even a supposed humble person can take? Yet, I guess there aren't always workers present in all the meetings. On the other hand, the young people and newly professing ones sure can get an idea of how and what to testify.

But what will I say? Let's see . . . John 3 tonight. The most well known. There is "God so loved the world . . .". I don't know. Maybe its me, but I get the feeling that many of the friends feel . . . "God so loved the world that he sent the workers out two and two without home, without salary, and without spouse." Well, maybe I'm imagining that. Yet, many do say "if not for the workers...". And I'm sure there is more thankfulness for the workers than there is for Jesus. Hmm, maybe that's because the workers are more real to most of the friends. Maybe Jesus is not lifted up enough. Maybe we can't see Jesus because the workers are in the way. Maybe.

Well, I'm pulling up to the drive now and still don't have my testimony down. Well, if I don't speak about the chapter tonight I could speak about these new things and just say that my mind and my heart have been occupied.

Imagine, just 5 years ago so and so told me that the way has always been and that Irvine was just a worker that went bad. And now I learn that such is not true . . . and from another worker! Who to believe? Well, after seeing the lists of the first workers in the elder's home, I guess I sure can throw out that "always has been" garbage. I suppose now so and so will want to spiritualize what he told me. Sure is a lot of that . What ever fits the agenda.

Oh yeah. I could just ask - dare I ? - just what is the deal about this divorce and remarriage bit? And what about these woman problems that that worker down in so and so state has. Image, the so and so head worker said he would believe it when he saw it. Yeah, right. When's he gonna see it? Never gonna happen - "Oh, I'm with the head worker tonight. I think I'll go visit little miss so and so in her room and see how she is doing!" Yeah, right!

Yup, some pretty new and strange things to me. Yet I wonder how *not new* these things are to some of the rest of the friends. Could be many of the friends know a lot. Seems like I've been hearing "The way is perfect, not the people."quite a bit lately. Now, why in the world would we have to keep hearing that? That's a given. Hmmm, too much of that, for sure - gotta be some covering up or some preparing for when the cat is out of the bag.

Yeah, that's probably it. First went to meeting and the friends and the workers were so nice to me. And the workers talked about love in the church and how the other (worldly) churches only had conditional love. Sure seemed true to me at the time. Of course, how many of these worldly Christians did I know and how much of an effort did I make and why, after some 25 years, did I first learn of this way and only then did I receive any of this unconditional love? Boy, that should have been a big clue to me back then!

Oh, Oh! The elder announced prayer time - what happened to the hymns?! Too busy thinking. Will have to do more thinking after meeting and maybe write a letter or two and see if I can get some straight answers. They better be good answers because I can see me *not* professing real quick! ~~~ Greg Lee

I went to meeting for about eight years and had two years in the work. I left because of the contradiction of teachings (and the false teachings) and what was lived out, because of the deceit in the church, and because I was not fed. I do not seek the demise of the church. All I wish is two things. 1 - Any who feel fear about leaving the church need to know that the work is not the one true ministry and that the friends are not the only church that can know God. 2 - Any who wish to profess should not promote, and indeed should fight against, the promotion of the deceit concerning the beginning of days in Ireland - whether it be physically or spiritually qualified, should fight against theordinances and commandments of man which involve the rules for the women and certain activities of the friends, seek to be of one mind concerning the marks of both righteousness and sin, and should speak out against the immorality and resulting cover-up that goes on in the church.

Greg Lee 9/97