August, 1997

Our very dear friends,

About 3 ½ years ago, we (our family) suffered the death of a loved one.
We were totally unprepared for this loss.  It was so devastating, and our
grief and confusion so great, that we couldn't even share it with you,
our very dear friends. Some of you who were closest to us may have
wondered why it seemed that we withdrew a bit from you.  We hope we
haven't offended or hurt anyone, but we had to deal with this privately.

We had known and cherished this loved one since birth - even before - as
our parents and grandparents had, also.  Indeed, our lives were wrapped
up in this loved one.  And so, the loss, when it came - so unexpectedly -
shattered and shook our whole world.  We went through all the stages of
great grief:  Denial, first.  Frantic, almost terror-stricken denial.
No!  This can't be true!  We don't want to believe this!  We can't handle
such a loss!  But the truth of this devastating news was irrefutable.
The truth of it finally forced us to face it, even when everything in us
screamed, no!  Then came anger.  Anger that we must face this loss, anger
even at truth forcing us to believe it.  Then sorrow.  Pain.  Hurt.
Emptiness.  We felt bereft, as reluctant acceptance finally came.

Friends, this "loved one" that we lost was our belief in "the Truth."

As most of you know, all three of our kids professed; we all loved "the
Truth."  We counted it a great privilege to have meeting in our home in
Hebron, (CT) and it was by far the hardest thing to part with when we
moved.  (My secret consolation was that perhaps we would have that
privilege here in VA eventually, too.)  I loved being an elder's wife!  I
loved the nurturing, the caring for our little "flock." I loved each one
of them dearly, and it was my sincere desire to see them prosper in "the
Truth."  We prayed for them, fed them (literally - nearly every Sunday
someone stayed for dinner), enjoyed them (potlucks, picnics,
get-togethers, sings).  We sincerely wanted them to make our home,
theirs.  We were the nearest meeting then to the Navy and Coast Guard
bases in Groton and New London, and we welcomed many a young lad far from
his home, into ours.

We loved and "esteemed highly" the workers, who came quite often, and who
we encouraged, too, to treat our home as theirs.

>From childhood, our whole focus was "the Truth."  We had an "open home."
 Many a prayer went up to God to help us be a "light" and draw others to
"the Truth."  I was perfectly content in "the Truth."  Absolutely
satisfied with my "place" as an elder's wife and wanting only to fill it
as God would have me.  Only a short time ago did Sam confide that he had
been actually quite uncomfortable about some things.  He certainly
covered it up well; I thought he made a great elder.

And now, dear friends, we are leaving "the Truth."  What has happened to
us?  This was unthinkable to us just a short time ago - as it is to you
now.  WHAT could change us so drastically?

The primary reasons can be supplied succintly in three words:  Truth.
Honesty. Jesus.

>From the cradle, we all were taught that this fellowship we call "the
Truth" originated with Jesus, when He sent those first disciples out, and
the workers have been following their example ever since.  Obscure,
unnoticed by the world, this "way" has endured since Christ.  We were not
as other, "worldly," "false" churches - which were only started by men.
We went back to Christ.  Which made us far superior to all other "false
religion."  As a child, I remember the old Irish workers, who were with
us so much, reiterating this theme over and over, in our home and in
meetings.  In all the years since childhood, too, this message has been
conveyed - more subtly, implicitly, perhaps, but definitely conveyed.  We
have never heard it refuted.

Primarily because of this - our going back to Christ, where all other
churches were only started by men - we were in the Only Right Way.

Imagine our dismay, then, when faced with the undeniable, irrefutable
FACT that "the Truth" did, after all, have a founder, whose name was
William Irvine.  Instead of the "shores of Galilee," its origin was much
nearer the shores of Lough Erne (in County Fermanagh, No. Ireland), and
just 100 years ago this year, instead of 2,000.  All kinds of details
about "the Truth's" history are available, and we've read them all.
There's proof galore - reams of it.  Enough to convince the staunchest
skeptic, for those courageous enough to read it.

Folks, I did not have the option (luxury?) of just dismissing this
information as "lies."  Most of you know our strong Irish connections.
You may not know that my dad lived on the farm adjoining Crocknacrieve
Convention in County Fermanagh.  I remember stories of him haying in the
fields as a boy, and hearing the singing from the convention.  When I
began reading the articles from the local newspaper of that time, The
Impartial Reporter, many familiar names and places from my childhood
leaped out at me.  Immediately, I knew I was reading about us - "the
Truth."  I remember Dad and Uncle Ernest talking about those people - who
were, to my surprise, the *very first* workers.  Delving into my child
memories, I even remember hearing the name William Irvine mentioned,
albeit infrequently - and always with a hushed, strange aura about the
conversation.  This is what I remember:  After Mom and I had left the
table, or when Dad and Ernest would be alone in the living room, it would
always be Ernest who initiated the discussion, and usually Ernest did
most of the talking - my dad only injecting a nod or an ‘uh-huh' now and
again.  Ernest would be quite agitated, as those of you who knew him
would know how he could get - and Dad would be trying to calm and quiet
him - by minimum response to what he was saying.  So I have to deal with
the fact that my parents - at least, my dear dad - knew the true history,
and was so intimidated by the enforced coverup, that he never dared to
share the information.  It also explains some of Ernest's odd behavior,
doesn't it.  Because in those days, if anyone spoke the truth about
William Irvine being the founder, that was grounds for excommunication.
Reading The Secret Sect a couple years ago (an extremely factual book,
not "evil") also made the rest of the pieces of the puzzle slide neatly
into place...

You may have received a long letter recently, which contained some of the
historical details.  Throughout the world, great efforts are still being
made to conceal this information from the friends.  (This includes
telling the friends to burn, unopened, letters like this.)  However, in
areas where the reality of the evidence is well known and can no longer
be denied, several theories have been circulated to recover credibility.
One theory is that William Irvine was a prophet raised up by God.
Completely overlooking the fact that for nearly a century we were told
there was no founder, now that proof of his existence can no longer be
hidden, we are to believe that God raised him up to restore "the Truth."
However, his own converts - the other workers - excommunicated him.  Why?
 Not only was he exerting too much power, but he was voicing some weird
ideas. (William wrote hundreds of letters from his exile in Jerusalem to
his loyal followers, who passed them down through the generations in
their families.  His thinking became strange indeed.  I have copies of a
couple of his letters.)  Now, when confronted with that information, the
next theory circulated is that God raised up men in the Bible who lost
their anointing later, such as Saul, and William Irvine simply became
another "Saul."  Doesn't that defy common sense - that God not only would
have planned such a momentous event, yet leave no record of it in the
Bible, but that He would choose a "prophet" whose prophesies did not come
true?  (None of William Irvine's did.)  Also, God promised in many Psalms
that His truth would endure to all generations - not skip nearly 2,000
years' worth.

Back to our story:  The shock of coming to terms with the reality of a
founder slammed us into coming to terms with the fact that we had been
"conned."  Folks, having a founder is not the issue.  That we can accept.
 Telling us that there was none is the issue.  Evasion is bad enough, but
deliberately misleading a people with something you know right well is
untrue - is worse.  That's deception; there's no nice word for it.  And
on top of that, disparaging, mocking, ridiculing all churches who openly
acknowledge their founder!  Many times during my childhood I heard this
coming from the lips of those I trusted the most, even idolized - those
old Irish workers.  Believe me, folks, coming to grips with THAT was
traumatic - devastating!  Now you understand the "death" I wrote of
earlier.

But I am eternally grateful for that now, because you know where all this
information sent me?  To my knees, in desperate prayer - "Lord, if this
isn't right, please show me what is right!"  Do you know what He showed
me?  Jesus.  And the cross.

It wasn't long before a couple letters came.  One was from dear friends
who had lived in CT for many years and were very close to all of us.  We
raised our kids together.  These folks were very "hearty" - meeting in
their home for years, took care of the workers' mail, their master
bedroom suite at all times reserved for the workers while they used a
smaller one - had even been instrumental in bringing outsiders into "the
Truth."

By this time, we had moved to Virginia.  But the friends in Connecticut
were told by the workers to burn, unread, any letters from this couple
and to have nothing more to do with them.  Why?  Because they had learned
of the history and were speaking out about it and about doctrinal issues.
 As I am now.  This is not acceptable.  The truth is not acceptable in
"the Truth."  How's that for irony?

Friends, real TRUTH is not afraid of discovery.  It stands proud and
secure.  It invites - *welcomes* scrutiny.

We simply could not dismiss this couple out of our lives.  We had known
and loved them too long.  We were able to read a few letters - instead of
burning them!  Some things about grace in those letters, and about Jesus
being Truth - and about the cross in another letter - sent me on some
deep biblical research.  (Remember, this was right after my desperate
prayer to God to show me what is right.)

God revealed, first of all, His grace - His free mercy, His unmerited
favor - His *gift* of eternal life through Christ.  These are the verses
that opened my eyes:  Romans 3:23-4, Romans 11:6, and Galatians 2:21.
(In other words, it's impossible for man to be good enough.  If we could
earn salvation, Jesus wouldn't have needed to die for us!  And
righteousness absolutely does not come "by the law" - by our following
any kind of  "rules."  If we believe that, then He has died in vain for
us.  This is very serious.)

Then God revealed His Truth, and it's not a "way," a fellowship, a
method, or system.  It's Jesus.  Only.  All by Himself.  In other words,
Jesus is not a "package deal." He doesn't come wrapped in layers of 2x2
ministry and church in the home.  As the letter you received pointed out,
Jesus did not use a plural pronoun when He said, "*I* am the Way, the
Truth and the Life..."  "I am the door..."  "I am the vine" ... etc.  To
many professing people, the concept of Jesus being "packaged" together
with "the Truth" is so imbedded, they are convinced that when you doubt
"the Truth," you also doubt God.

We have discussed this with several very close, and dear, friends.  Some
have asked us if we have talked to the workers about this.  No, we
haven't.  Why?  Because if we did, we would not only become suspect
immediately, but we would be put on a guilt trip for questioning - for
seeking truth.  Why do you want to feed your doubts?  Why do you want to
destroy your faith?  (Faith in what?  In God?  Or in a system?)  Friends
who have sincerely, honestly, gone to the workers looking for true
answers to perfectly legitimate questions have come away defeated,
humiliated, crushed, even heartbroken.  And that's not all.  The
questioning does not usually remain confidential.  "Warnings" go out - to
discredit the asker - to the other friends.  To discredit anyone who
leaves "the Truth," also.  If you doubt this, search your own memories,
or give me a call and I'll give you several examples.  Folks have felt
like "lepers" afterwards.

So we decided not to go that route.  (Cowards that we are!)  Instead, we
turned to the Bible - and to God.  We are SO glad we did!  We found He is
all that the Bible promises - and more.

This letter began by speaking of a death.  It is so true that God works
in mysterious ways.  Only after we had experienced the "death" of this
"truth" that we loved so much - only then was He able to show us what was
on the other side - LIFE, abundant life - in Christ.  Real Truth does set
you free!  We were released from a bondage we had not known we were in.
The precious promises of Jesus are so real to us now: "Come unto me, all
ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take my
yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye
shall find rest unto your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is
light."  (Matt. 11:28-30) The joy of salvation.  Peace.  Assurance.
Absolute trust in Him, our blessed Redeemer, who died to save us.
HE saved US, friends!  "Not by works of righteousness which we have done,
but according to his mercy, *he* saved *us*..." (Titus 3:5)  "Now
therefore why tempt ye God, to put a yoke upon the neck of the disciples,
which neither our fathers nor we were able to bear?  But we believe that
*through the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ*, we shall be saved..." (Acts
15:10, 11)  "Being justified FREELY *by his grace*..." (Romans 3:24)
"For *by grace* are ye saved through faith; and that NOT of yourselves:
it is the gift of God: Not of works, lest any man should boast."
(Ephesians 2:8-9) "And this is the record, that God hath GIVEN to us
eternal life, and this life is in his son." (I John 5:11)  And on and on
and on.

And yet, professing folks continue to try to earn, or merit, salvation -
trying and failing, over and over - trying to measure up to Christ - an
impossibility - instead of trusting totally in what *He* did - in His
*finished* work on the cross - trusting in the precious blood He shed on
Calvary's cross.  How sad.  What kind of relationship can we have with
our Savior if we do not even trust Him to save us?  All He endured for us
- the mocking, the ridicule, the spitting (GOD!  Spit on!!!!)... the whip
slashing again and again on His bleeding back... the nails piercing the
hands that had loved and healed and reached out again and again in
compassion to needy souls... hands that had so recently carefully and
lovingly washed 12 pairs of dirty feet... such a young man enduring so
much agony...  And that wasn't *enough*?  We must add our puny efforts to
our salvation?  Our little bit of self-denial?  No, no, friends, there's
nothing we can do to earn our own salvation - or to add to what He did.
Our precious Savior's sacrifice was more than sufficient to save us.  May
we fall prostrate at the foot of the cross in thanksgiving and adoration!
 May we praise the Lord for His mercies which are new - every morning!

Folks, I could go on for pages and pages - praising my Savior, whom I
love and adore!  When it comes to Jesus, I am very passionate!   "Oh, the
love that drew salvation's plan!  Oh, the grace that brought it down to
man!  Oh, the mighty gulf that God did span ... At Calvary!"  (Hymn)

Dear ones, are you worried about doubting?  Think about the most famous
doubter of all - Thomas.  In John 14:5, he was the only one courageous
enough to ask Jesus what He meant.  (You know how when a group of people
are listening to a speaker who's saying something none of them really
understand, yet no one dares admit it?  Well, Thomas was the one brave
and honest enough to say, I don't understand.)  Then we find him in his
famous doubting scene in John 20.  After listening to his very close
friends tell him they had seen Jesus in person, he couldn't believe them.
 Not unless he himself could see and touch would he believe!  Now,
there's a doubter, a real skeptic.  A week later...Jesus comes again, and
this time Thomas is there.  Jesus knows Thomas doubted; He even repeats
exactly Thomas's words of a week earlier.  Isn't it interesting that
Jesus doesn't chide Thomas - not one word in remonstrance for his huge
doubting.  Instead, Jesus gives Thomas *reason* to believe - proof,
evidence, of His authenticity.  Look, Thomas.  Here's proof.  Touch the
nail holes in my hands... Thomas's doubting was not an impediment;
rather, it turned out to present an opportunity to see and touch the
risen Christ!  Maybe we shouldn't be afraid of doubts, of questioning.
They may eventually enable us to see Jesus more clearly...

Professing folks believe in a "works" salvation - interpreting James's
"faith without works is dead" verse to mean that works are the criteria
for salvation.  In light of so many other verses which clearly state that
it is not by "works of righteousness," we need to carefully - and
prayerfully - meditate upon that.  This concept of grace versus works has
always been a great stumblingblock; it was to the Jewish Christians,
also.  Read Romans 4 and 9:30-33.  And Galatians 3.  And Col. 2:14-17,
20-22.  It is the hardest concept for a legalistic thinker to grasp.
"Works" are actually the fruit - or proof - or evidence - of salvation.
They follow salvation, not the other way around.  And "works" are not
following certain petty rules to maintain the approval of our peers and
the workers - appearance, do's and don'ts.  If you'll read James
carefully, he describes in detail what he considers "works," i.e., not
having "respect of persons" - preferring certain people over others,
enduring temptation, keeping clear of all moral filth and the evil that
surrounds us, keeping a tight rein on our tongues, and our anger, looking
after orphans and widows (the needy), keeping oneself unpolluted from the
world; don't just talk about those who have physical needs, do something
about it, etc.

And what about the Prodigal Son?  (Luke 15) What did he do to deserve
what his father gave him?  Nothing.  He didn't deserve it, or earn it.
He knew he was unworthy and acknowledged that.  What was his father's
response?  The young man didn't even get to finish saying all he had
planned to say.  He didn't even get to "...make me as one of thy hired
servants."  His father interrupted him with the loving and joyous words,
"Bring forth the best robe!...Put a ring on his hand!...for this my son
was dead and is alive again!  He was lost and is found!"  That is grace,
friends - getting what we don't deserve.  You can bet that young man
loved and appreciated his father forever after that!  You can bet he
couldn't do enough for his dad then!  So it is with grace.  First, we
accept the wondrous gift of salvation that God offers through Christ.
Here and now.  "And I give unto them eternal life..."  (John 10:28) Then,
such love and gratitude overwhelms us, that we want to serve - to "work."
 But all the while, we're resting in the peace and security of a *known*
salvation.  (I John 5:13)

A "works" belief system focuses on us - and our constant struggle to
measure up.  *Grace* puts the focus on Christ.

Now will you let me tell you a bit about all the wonderful Christian
ministries that we have discovered exist?  Ministries dedicated to
proving scientifically that creation - Genesis 1, verse by verse - is
true.  Even committed evolutionists are being convinced.  Legal
ministries - Christian lawyers volunteering their legal counsel to the
needy.  Ministries for moms.  Ministries for teens, young people,
children.  Ministries for men, for women.  For the homeless, the
downtrodden, the sick and imprisoned.  And on and on.  In the midst of a
very "crooked and perverse" world, dedicated Christians are giving and
giving - because of their love for the Lord and others.  Not for personal
gain, as we've always been told.  (Yes, there may be those, too, but
they're far more rare than we've been led to believe.) The "wall of
separation" that we hear so much about has not allowed us to find out
what is out there.  I know of young people offering to go as missionaries
to foreign lands who have to earn their own airfare; the mission sending
them simply hasn't the funds.  We have learned that money is not as
important to Christians as we've been told it is - except to supply
needs.  (You might be surprised to realize that the New Testament
addresses this necessity quite frequently.  See I Cor. 16:1-3, Acts
11:29, 24:17, Romans 15:25-28, II Cor. 8:1-24, 9:1-14, Philippians
4:15-19.)

I have met people of faith at the University where I work - believers
whose manner of life speaks unequivocally of the Christ within.  Sam
works with some whose lives reflect likewise.  Never again could we be
the judgmental "respecter of persons" we once were.

Many will speak of the "falling away" - in reference to people like us
who leave "the Truth."  Folks, William Irvine fell away from the Faith
Mission - and true Christian doctrine.  There is a mighty falling away
going on around us.  This great country, founded as a nation under God by
God-fearing men and established with biblical principles, is now
experiencing a great falling away from Christianity - and from belief in
God.  Even in the religious world, unbelief is creeping in.  In fact,
some observers note that we are in a post-Christian era.  It is likely
the end times are indeed upon us.  It is not for us to speculate, as even
the angels in heaven don't know the time, but the Lord's plan will
definitely be accomplished.  There is fascinating reading in Christian
bookstores regarding this - and the nation of Israel's part in it.

This is convention time, and we have thought of you often.  You would be
hearing many testimonies of thankfulness for when folks first met "the
Truth," or when "God's servants first crossed my pathway," or for "God's
true way" (meaning this fellowship).  You probably will hear more
personal stories of how folks met "the Truth."  Tell me, my friends, how
often do you hear thankfulness for when folks met Jesus, or for when
Jesus came into my heart, or for when Jesus became my personal Savior?
Think about that...

Our friends, before you tear up this letter in disgust and possibly even
dismiss us from your lives, think: What would cause us to jeopardize our
relationship with you - cause us to not only relinquish that which we
once held so dear ("the Truth") - but risk the reproach, and possible
alienation, of all our lifetime friends? Here are the possibilities:

        We've lost our minds. [Yep, we've heard that one!]
        Menopause has me mentally unstable. [Heard that one, too!]
        We're "unwilling." [We've been "willing" for 50 years and never
- ever - dreamed of changing.  Why disrupt our lives now?]
        We've got a "wrong spirit."  Satan has us in his grip.  We're
"bitter." [Judge for yourselves.  Does this letter have a "wrong spirit"
- or does it tell the truth - which hurts?  Can you really think Satan
has us?  Does this letter sound bitter?  Those of you who know us well,
have you detected a wrong spirit, or bitterness?]
        We're following "men" - or "men's ideas." [Who are you
following?  Aren't you following the beliefs of men - and women - who
have taught you what to believe?  You say you're following Jesus.  Well,
so are we.]
        We are "against ‘the Truth'." [We're against some of the basic
doctrine of "the Truth."  We are in agreement with many (biblical)
beliefs.  Its people, most definitely including workers, we love and
respect very much.]
        We're "against the workers." [We're not "against" any worker who
does not know the facts about the history.  We're not "against" any
worker who innocently is preaching what he/she sincerely believes is
true.  We do have a problem with any worker who is deliberately
continuing to preach that this way is "from the beginning" or "goes back
to Christ" or "has no founder" when he/she knows differently.  You know,
it's much easier to persuade people to believe that you're in the Only
Right Way if you can get them to believe it goes back to Christ.  We have
a problem with workers "majoring in the minors" - stressing petty issues
that have nothing to do with salvation, while ignoring serious sin.]

        [We have a real problem with abusive workers - and elders - whose
abuse has been carefully covered up and a mild "slap" given - but who
have been allowed to continue in their positions, with no warnings to
potential unsuspecting victims.  Incredibly, sometimes guilt has been
laid on the young victims for telling!  It is a serious thing when
keeping "the outside of the cup and platter clean" vastly overrides the
devastation of young lives.  Much has been hidden from us, folks.]

        None of the above.  We are *conscientious objectors*.  We are in
agreement with the steadily growing number of ex-friends throughout the
world who have conscientiously objected to dishonesty and an unscriptural
doctrine - and been labeled "evil" and "anti-Christ" for doing so.  We
are conscientiously objecting to a doctrine which focuses on a
fellowship, a ministry, a system, as ‘the way' and ‘the truth,' rather
than Christ.  This seems to be more important than what Jesus did for us.
 We are conscientiously objecting to a doctrine which all but ignores the
precious blood of Christ and focuses instead on His example, thereby
burdening its believers with the weight of a lifetime of trying to be
like Christ - without reliance on the significance of His blood, through
which we have redemption.  (Eph. 1:6,7, Romans 3:24-5, etc.)  From those
first blood sacrifices in Genesis 3 and 4 to the blood of the Lamb of God
in Revelations, the Bible reiterates over and over again and again the
significance of the redemptive power of His blood.

Folks, our convictions are so deep and so strong that we are compelled to
do that which we would naturally HATE to do:  We are hurting those we
love and who love us, and risking at best the misunderstanding, and at
worst the complete alienation, of the people most dear to us on this
earth.

Dear friends and workers, don't let anyone tell you we are taking the
easy way out.  This is the *hardest* thing we have ever done in our lives
- bar none.  Three and ½ years of intense Bible study, anguish of mind,
tears, and heartfelt prayers have preceded this decision.  We are not
turning our backs on you.  If anything, we love you more than ever.  We
will carry with us always the many, many precious memories we have of
happy times spent with you.  We would love that to continue, but we also
are being realistic.  (We anticipate shunning by most.  We don't want
that, but realize it will probably be the price we must pay for our new,
dearly won, beliefs.)

You are most welcome in our home at any time.  Your phone calls are
welcome. Your letters/e-mails are welcome.  This was a bittersweet
decision.  We feel as Abraham must have, when, also past his youth, God
called him away from his father's house and those he held dear...

Loving and trusting the Lord more than ever,

(signed) Sam, Jeanie and Sharla

- The Dudleys

"...a time to keep silence, and a time to speak..."  Ecclesiastes 3:7

"Fear them not therefore: for there is nothing covered, that shall not be
revealed; and hid, that shall not be known.  What I tell you in darkness,
that speak ye in light: and what ye hear in the ear, that preach ye upon
the housetops."  Matthew 10:26

"In whom we have boldness and access with confidence by the faith of
him."  Ephesians 3:12

December 1997

I am now 50 years old. I was born and raised in the "truth" in _______. From a little girl, I can remember feeling like an outcast because of all the laws and rules and very little love. EVERYTHING was wrong: couldn't belong to any organizations in school except the school newspaper, couldn't go to any sports events, etc. If someone asked me a question, I had to answer carefully and then, look at my Mother for her approval that I had said all the right things. And then, I knew, of course, if I hadn't answered correctly by the stern look on her face. So the mind control over my thought processes started very early.

My teenage years were miserable as well, plummeting my self-esteem to the bottom. Pony tails were preached about in our meetings as being a thing of the devil. So you can imagine then, everything else that got hounded on as sinful. I simply couldn't wait to escape all of this misery and dysfunction, and of course, I had to marry someone in the "truth" so I got married very young to the wrong person and became trapped in a miserable marriage as well as trapped with in-laws who truly thought they were superior. And so consequently, I had no self-esteem to begin with and fell victim to more put-downs and criticism from them.

In my latter 20's, I didn't feel I could live up to the severity of the outward form of "truth" and so I cut curls at the side of my face and started wearing a little make-up. Whew, then I really got whispered about, people looking up and down me and even pointed at from afar. Well, about 16 or so years ago, one of the lady workers called and said she and her companion would like to come over to stay. I can't explain the feeling that washed over me. It was like a gigantic garage door came pummeling down in my mind and I just said to myself, "I cannot do this anymore, I cannot live this doctrine." So I told her I didn't feel like having them over. (To this day, not one soul has ever contacted me to urge me to come back or to talk to me or to say they miss me.) Well, I hung up the phone and I felt like the devil himself had marched right into my life and had taken control. And the guilt, oh, how can I think of enough adjectives to express how guilty I felt. My folks and I were estranged for several years over this. So for the past 16 years I had just settled that I was going to hell, that I was just a "no good person."

Here we are now in 1997 and 3 or so months ago I signed up on this list.I now feel like shouting to the world. I have learned so much. I, personally for myself, know that I was raised in a cult and that I was terribly abused. Now, I am a different person because I have hope of eternal salvation, I know my God loves me and He only asks that I love and accept Him into my life. As someone on this list has said, "I feel like the veil has been lifted from my eyes." How simply wonderful that feels.

And now, my parents are so disappointed by so much in the "truth" that they are reading the posts from this list and saying, "Yes, that really is how it is!"

My thoughts and prayers are with those who are struggling with guilt and I TRULY understand their struggle. One thing that I feel for myself is that I don't want to rush off to any other church for now. I want to work on my personal spiritual growth, allow time to go by and then do what feels good later on. For myself, it would kinda be like going from a really unhappy marriage right into another marriage. I sure understand how many of us feel about other churches turning a person off. I think time will help us in that department.

There is always pain associated with gain. I humanly wish sometimes there wasn't so much pain but I am here to tell you that the "gain" that I now feel in my life has been worth that pain.

I wish you all the very best.

My love and care,

__________

Dear Friends, (not "friends"),

I know.  This is REALLY LONG.  Sorry.  But it's been 29 years.  Is there
someone I can intelligently discuss all this with?  Last night I cried with
the realization of a family's life "wasted."(Though my life is rich and
meaningful and I have learned so much from it all.) My life.  My sister's
and brothers' lives.  My mom and dad's life.  It's hard to understand.  The
'truth' has caused us incredible loss and pain.  I cringe as I write that
for it is still so ingrained in me I'm blaspheming.  To not blame the
"truth."  It must've just been my folks - or us kids.  Or the devil, I
guess.  After falling asleep in tears, I dreamed of a prison.  There was a
prisoner loose.  I was afraid to enter the prison because that one prisoner
was not locked up in his cell like all the others.  When I did enter and
pass on my way to use a restroom there, he said to me "There are others like
me here."

First of all, since I haven't done so, I'll introduce myself.  You can call
me Krystal for now.  I was raised in "the truth" from the age of one.  
My siblings were too.  Only my parents now profess and they have for
over 40 years.


I left the "truth" at around age 14.  In retrospect, I wonder why I received
no guidance or direction from the workers or anyone regarding the problems I
was having.  I actually began drinking, doing drugs, acting out, ditching
school, and getting in various types of trouble around that age.  I told my
mother I could no longer profess as I did not want to be a "hypocrite."  I
was doing things I knew were wrong and did not want to go to meeting and
testify under these conditions.  I do not know why I began acting out except
that our family was very dysfunctional and discussion was not encouraged.
Although my folks professed, I was, at various ages, physically,
emotionally, and I now believe, spiritually abused.  My mother said I should
be a "worker" when I grew up.  I remember feeling a love for God from a very
young age, having deep thoughts about life, God, death, and many things that
I was never given the opportunity to explore. People often commented on my
insightful and profound testimonies.  I professed at 10 and was baptized at
12 I believe.  A friend of mine was killed at 11 years old.  I was also 11
at the time and I remember wishing I could die instead of him, because I had
been told until I was 12 years old I would automatically go to heaven, but
at 12 I had to "go about my father's business." I felt overwhelmed at being
responsible for my own salvation at 12. Making my choice - or "making your
choice" was the big deal as a young person in the "truth."  Someday you had
to "make your choice."  It seemed so overwhelming to make such a choice at
such a young age. I do not understand why, when our family struggled so, no
one really offered any real help or guidance.  No workers, even though I was
professing, counseled me.  That confuses me.

There is so much to say.  As I read the info on this list from ex-members,
etc. and the info I'm getting re: 2x2s and the friends many questions come
up.  Questions I had to let go of.  When I asked questions to those in the
truth as I was growing up and later when I was a "wandering sheep who did
not love the fold" the answers were never satisfactory.  In fact, about
the only answer I ever got to any critical thought on my part was that I was
just not "willing" for God's will in my life.  That shut me up.  If I was
willing I wouldn't be asking questions, would I?  I  was a pretty
intellectual little kid and I desperately was seeking guidance, direction,
and answers that were logical in ANY way.  I received none.  Just
condemnation.  I remember reading some old testament stuff about Saul's
struggles and finally deciding for myself after getting no help and
struggling alone out there in the "world" that if that's the kind of god God
was, I didn't want Him.  (I can almost hear the gasps!)  Yes, I was
blasphemous.  I was also angry, hurt, and abandoned. In thinking it through
it seemed to me as a teenager the "truth" gave me no "choice."  The
"choice" I was offered didn't seem like much of a "choice."  Profess, live
my life in that sheltered environment forever, and go to heaven, or choose
not to profess and go to hell.  What kind of "choice" was that?  There was
no way out.  My own mother and father, in my mind, contributed to my
condemnation to hellfire.  They gave me no "choice' and called it a
"choice."  I had no choice.  The only way out I stumbled on was drugs (it
was the late 60s) and alcohol; unconsciousness to escape the horrible
conflict inside me about being condemned by my own family and friends for
wanting some experiences in my life outside the "truth."  Like peer
acceptance.  Learning and knowledge.  Other ways of life.  Other beliefs.  I
kind of would of liked to have had a FEW options to choose from as a youth
instead of the limited life I was offered:  "heaven" or "hell."  Gee, which
should I choose?

Many terrible things happened to me out there in the "wicked world", (a
world I was totally unprepared to deal with by my "truth" upbringing), and I
had no one to discuss it with, especially in my family or the truth.  I was
"date"-raped and blackmailed.  If I had told my parents or anyone in the
truth, I felt I would've been told it was my fault for being there with a
worldly boy in the first place.  And I believed it was my fault and carried
that horrible shame the next 16 years.  My story continues to include
recovery and healing and my final arrival at freedom to feel and think for
myself but it is too long to tell in these paragraphs.

I am 43 years old and when my sister told me about this list just lately and
I subscribed, it was the first time in my entire life I was ever given any
information like this about the truth.  A lot of questions are coming up
even though I haven't been IN the truth or "professing" for 29 years.  For
example, since I was raised in the truth I never knew there was a difference
between what they believe about Jesus' identity and what other "Christians"
believe e.g. Jesus was just a man visited by the holy spirit who showed us
the way to live perfectly as human beings. In the truth I WAS taught or lead
to believe that Jesus was a man like us but chosen by God so he found the
way to live in the "truth." Others believe Jesus was God, part of the
trinity i.e. God, the Holy Spirit, and Jesus as ONE. Etc. Etc.  That doesn't
really matter to me right now to be honest with you.

I question the evident efforts of "Christians" on this list who appear to be
trying to share what they feel is the "true Christian gospel" as opposed to
the "truth's" interpretation. I don't want to be critical - but because of
the way I was raised I don't like being proselytized to. I like the idea of
being helped to think critically about the "truth," to share that
experience, but not to be told there is some other "truth" I must now
embrace to be saved.  My experience thus far tells me God loves me
unconditionally - end of story. End of story.  Yes, end of story.  (I can
hear all the endless buts - so can He/She/It and His/Her/Its compassion is
unlimited.)  No buts.  No conditions.  NONE.  But that's MY experience.  I
am open to having my beliefs challenged and questioned.  That's how I
continue to grow.  Human knowledge is finite.

I was taught without directly being taught (no Sunday school) that the
basis of the truth is that Jesus was just like us, only he believed in God,
and showed us how to live differently than before the new testament.  I
don't recall a real distinction about whether or not he was God.  I
certainly knew he was perfect through God!  As I remember, he showed us how
to live. It's fascinating, that I have been exposed to this "cult" all my
life, and it's true:  I really DON'T know for sure what exactly they DO
believe and how it compares in reality to other interpretations of the
gospels! That blows my mind and validates the secrecy, vagueness, and
dysfunctionality descriptors being used to describe this "sect."  At this
point, what I believe about Jesus is not being discussed; rather what the
"truth" taught me about Jesus.
 The "truth" as I learned it was pretty basic - Jesus showed us how to live,
we were to live his way as written in the new testament and the "truth" was
supposed to be closer to the truth than other religions because they
followed more closely what Jesus taught and lived. (They could
prove it because their preachers did not take money (except quietly without
collection), worship was held in homes, they didn't build churches or
advertise, were not commercial or secular in any way, they dressed like they
felt Paul instructed.) The workers were like the disciples in that they were
to give up everything, take no money, and preach the gospel like the first
12 did.  Money was never collected in meeting which was a point of pride
really; other churches passed a collection plate.  We didn't have a church
because Jesus did not have a church or build a church building, but the people
are the church and we met in homes like the early Christians did. I am
curious to learn information I never got in this basic presentation of the
"truth." We didn't have a name because Jesus didn't call the way a name. His
followers were the "church."

Other churches were described as false prophets and the Catholics
considered heathens. Their "rituals" were made fun of - the Latin, candles,
mass, rosary beads.  Though I never went to one of their churches I always
imagined an opulent setting with red velvet curtains and the devil waiting.
But I was never taken to another church to find out for myself.

Questioning the generally agreed upon interpretations of the bible or
friends was usually discouraged by the implication that Satan must be
tempting the questioner.  In attempted discussions, logic or reasoning was
circular.  There was no way out.

Everyone could be saved because everyone, I was told, hears of the truth at
least once in their life.  This is their opportunity to be saved.  (As a
child I cried because my neighbors were going to hell and I didn't think it
was fair of God to send them there just because they weren't in the truth).
Anyone not in the truth was an outsider. As professing people, we were
expected to be better than other people because they did not "know" the
truth.  We did.  No excuse for us.  Turn the other cheek was also much
touted.  Being a good example was emphasized.

I'll leave you with something Emerson said:

        "It was never for the mean;
         It requireth courage stout...
         Heartily know
         When half-gods go,

         The gods arrive."

All for now.

Love,
Krystal
>

>JUST a short note:  Your welcomes brought instant tears.  How amazing.
>After all the therapy and healing, I had no idea how deeply this still
>haunted me.  I cannot tell you how much your warmth, validations, and
>acceptance mean to one who, like you, chose condemnation.  I actually, at
>14, consciously chose to go to hell since it was the only alternative
>presented to me.  I now know, of course, that that was illusion and I was
>brainwashed.  I have great compassion for the brave little girl I was,
>willing to go to hell in order to find real truth and freedom.  I have so
>much to share with you and those who are interested!  Your information and
>thoughts are invaluable.  Thank you.  Time for work.  More later. To those
>who wrote privately.  I will respond SOON!  My heart goes out to you.  Love,
>"Krystal Klear"

March 1998

My name is Connie Jacobsen. I was born and raised in a group which often calls itself The Truth, as were both of my parents. I professed at 13 (and established a heart relationship with God at that time). I married Brian, another 3rd generation member of the group, when we were both 23. It was my greatest desire for our lives together to be a blessing and to have an open home for the ministry and God's work. I envisioned us having meeting in our homes... as all of our grandparents and parents before us had done and even recognized the possibility of one day living on a convention grounds, since Brian's folks were (and still are) living on one of the convention grounds. All of that, I looked on as great privilege.

Because it was the purpose of our hearts, we chose the hymn, "Lord, help us be lights in the world and salt of the earth" (not in the hymn book) to be sung at our wedding. A friend and young worker made the comment to me at that time that she had only heard that song sung by those going out into the work before, but she guessed it was appropriate for the desire of a marrying couple, too. Perhaps that's a good representation of my desire to be a useful vessel in God's hands for His work... through my teen years and my early 20's I had been open to the call to go into the work, but as Brian and I made our plans to marry, I was absolutely convinced that I was NOT being disobedient to some "greater call" from God for my life, but I was assured that His desire for Brian and me was "together" and as an open home for Him.

Brian quit taking part 14 years ago, when we were 29 and expecting our 2nd child. That was possibly the most painful, difficult time in my life. (Though, later making the decision to leave the group and, then, dealing with all the repercussions of that would rank right up there, too!) It had been VERY important to me to marry another professing person and raise our children up to be strong in the Lord, too. I had always thought Brian shared my devotion to the Lord and I had NEVER envisioned myself living in a "divided" home with a seemingly "agnostic" spouse, trying to impart the knowledge and love of the Lord to our children without his help and support! Suddenly, my "open home" was not as "open" as it had once been and as I still desired it to be... no hope of a meeting in our home, etc, etc...

I made the decision to leave the group 7 years later... after I had been professing for 23 years. If anyone would have told me even 5 or 6 months before I left that I would make such a decision, I would have told them they were CRAZY! Other people I loved dearly were leaving the fellowship... I was writing letters and talking to them face-to-face... trying desperately to encourage them to keep on keeping on and to not give up, in spite of the things we were seeing that were causing us concern.

For years, we had blamed the problems we were seeing on the overseers and other individual workers and "friends" involved. I had told myself that things were different in one area where there was a kinder, gentler overseer than they were in other areas where more stern leaders "reigned ." I don't think I'll EVER be able to find the words to express the pain in my heart as we drove away from the last full convention I ever attended (in the area of the kinder, gentler overseer) with the realization in my heart that the focus and emphasis of the group was really no different THERE than it was in the other area... I felt like my heart was being ripped out. I cried for miles...

About 18 months earlier, I had recognized the differences of thought (confusion?) in the group which I felt was keeping God from being able to work in my life and bring about the growth He would like to see there . At that time, I started praying fervently (regularly and often) for God to show me HIS truth... separate from the "traditions" of my upbringing, separate from satan's interference, separate from my own ideas and separate from other men's ideas and that He would give me the courage to act on what He showed me...but NEVER would I have expected that in answering that prayer God would remove me from the fellowship I had been raised in and believed to be God's way on the earth! After this last heart-wrenching convention experience, I continued those prayers, perhaps even MORE fervently...

My decision to leave was based on my concern about what I saw to be a wrong focus in the group... on the outward "standards" above the inward "heart" relationship with God. I was seeing more and more people being terribly hurt (and even turned completely away from God) by un-Christlike, unloving behavior BECAUSE of the judgment made by those outward standards... often ignoring the real heart condition.

At that time, I knew NOTHING about the "doctrinal beliefs" of any other "Christians" and how their beliefs (other than church buildings and salaried pastors) might be similar or different from my own understanding. I also knew only vaguely about the "beginning of days" of the group... I had come up with my own idea of how that had really all happened and was "content" with my own scenario. My Mom had read THE SECRET SECT several years earlier. I was VERY bothered that she was reading it and I made it quite clear to her that I was NOT interested in either reading it myself OR of even hearing about it from her!

I loved the people in the group (which included most of both Brian's and my families) and I loved the meetings... the fellowship. This was an EXTREMELY difficult decision which was not made without MUCH prayer and heartache and deliberation, attempts to talk with respected workers and friends etc, etc. When it seemed that the strong message I was "hearing" was that I should no longer participate in the group, I wanted to be SURE. I talked with God and told Him if I was WRONG in my thinking, He HAD to show me that and direct me according to HIS will... I went to the Seattle special meeting waiting to hear from God... whether anyone else can understand me or not, I left that day with the absolute conviction that what I had been feeling I had to do (leave the group) was also what GOD would have me do... I still really believed at that point that the group was "God's One True Way." However, I felt it had become SOOOO corrupted by men that it was no longer the representation of Christ that it was intended to be and I could no longer give my "support" to the group by my continued participation... I was "taking a stand for truth" knowing I was going to be alone, misunderstood, written off as bad-spirited and bitter and unwilling, etc , etc by the most important people in my life (I didn't even realize at the time that that would includeour 9 year old daughter!?)... it was VERY difficult and VERY painful! But, nonetheless, something I felt I HAD to do.

So... that's who I am... the story, of course, goes on from there, but I've told the part that I wanted to share here.

Connie (and Brian) Jacobsen,

Kirkland, Washington, USA

briconj@worldnet.att.net

April 1998

I am 33 and I was raised in "the Truth." I professed  at age 14 and then 
dropped out a couple of years later. There were too many questions that 
rattled around in my head. There was no one to who I felt I could go to
for the answers. For years I kept believing that I was somehow to blame.
I thought that there was something wrong with me. If only I was good, if 
only I could quell the questions that ran around inside me. I must not be 
right, I must be flawed somehow. The flaw was that I couldn't condemn 
everyone on the outside just because they were on the outside. The
flaw was that I couldn't take the double life I lead. At meeting, at home,
when the workers were around I felt that I must be one set way. Then
when I was out, away, I could be how I was. But there was always this 
empty hole, somewhere, I could never find it - exactly - so it must have
just been me and I was wrong, flawed, bad.  My grandparents, my parents,
my sister and both my brothers were RIGHT, ie.. professing and living 
correctly, so I felt wrong and bad and alone.

I can't say that my parents were wrong, I knew that they were more lenient
with us kids than other families. And maybe that is what keep me from being 
so different from my school friends, though I was enough different to be
noticed.  The things that hurt me the worst are the things that happened to
me by "Saints" or worse, Workers. It took me a long time to get over these 
wrongs. I won't go into them they are long past and are now God's to deal 
with. I forgave these people in time and learned that to be content I had to
hand it to God and ask him to take care of it for me.  This was a long process.
This process took me to many other churches, each one had a different empty
spot for me. I learned a lot about what I really believed inside my very own
heart of hearts. And I found out that I really had a very strong faith in Him.

When my parents started to come out with their questions - all I saw was that
they were tossing the foundation of my childhood beliefs. You can't imagine
how angry I was at them. You see a part of me still believed that they were
perfect and I was still flawed. "HOW DARE THEY."  These were my words
to them.  But when Mother explained what they were going through and the 
evidence they had of the deceit, my reaction was - Yeah me too 15 years ago! 
At least to some of the points that they had. Other information was a surprise
to me. But I am glad to know that my parents are people too, it's hard to see
that in your own parents. I am glad to see that they too have found that God's 
love starts with your heart and leads you. Not starts with a church and you
follow it. 

I am glad that there is a place [the List] to find others who also have found 
true love and faith, those who know that we grow it in our own hearts.  The
fellowship we have with others is as fulfilling as what we have in our hearts. 
I have 4 sons and a step daughter, I want them to have the love for God and 
Jesus, and to know what faith - true faith- can do for their lives. I can only 
hope that I can give them this understanding. I pray for guidance. I know I 
have so very much to learn yet. I read and I pray. And now my relationship
with my parents is more open and free, I can ask my questions and not feel 
flawed. I will leave this for now, I don't feel like I have much to offer, so
much I need to learn. 

To all of you, God bless,
Lisa Lynne Prichard
April 1998

April 1998

When you look at me, you see a rebellious spirit-- a young man bent on
making his own way in the world.  You cannot condemn what I do, because I
do nothing to break the law of God or man... you can only disagree with my
inaction, because I stay home on sundays.
But you know nothing of my spirit, because you cannot *see* a spirit, or
hold it in your hand... you can only try to estimate it by my actions.  And
to what end?  Who set you up as judge and jury over me?  It certainly
wasn't God, because He reserves the duty of judgment for Himself.
When I look at you, I see confusion and pointless bondage to form and
ritual.  A misguided ministry holding thousands under spiritual domination
and unwittingly reliving Pharisaical folly.  While you make foolish and
petty claims to know my mind, I recognize that I cannot know yours.
However, I see the irrationality of your views, and I witness that there
are many questions to which you have no answers.  Do we serve the same God?
 Mine is the Living God... the God of Love and Mercy and Compassion,
all-knowing and all-powerful.  What's yours?
I think we serve the same God.  But somehow you don't seem to know Him very
well, tho many of you have served him for longer than I've been alive.

Will God close the gates of Heaven to a woman with short hair?  Do not tell
me that a woman cuts her hair because of a bad spirit... because you cannot
know her spirit.  Will God close the gates of Heaven to a woman who wears
pants on occasion?
You will tell me that a professing woman who wears pants does so in
rebellion.  Rebellion against what?  Against the rules.  Who made the
rules?  Did God make the rules?
Does God wear pants?  Sounds rather ridiculous doesn't it?  And hence it is
ridiculous that God would concern Himself with the clothes we wear.
When the Bible was written, there were no pants and no dresses as they
exist today.  What were the rules then, and why are they not the same now?
For that matter, why aren't men and women still wearing fig leaves and
furs?  Quite simply, the rules have changed.
Why did the rules change?  The rules changed because the "world" changed.
The world --humanity at large-- made the rules in the beginning, not God.
And the rules of the world are changing again.  For a time, women were to
wear dresses... that time is at an end.
It matters not a whit to God what we wear, or how long our hair is-- or
even if we go about our lives in the nude, hairless.
If you think to contradict me, save your breath.  I have seen your critical
glances, I have heard your harsh words.  You have injured hundreds, and you
pass over it as if it were nothing.
Contrary to your common belief, the "rules" imposed by the workers
regarding behavior and attire are different between countries, and even
between states and provinces within a country.  In many areas, length of
hair and cut of dress are as important as halting at a stop sign.

Let's go to the heart of the matter.  As you read my words, you might get a
mental "picture" of my thoughts, my feelings... a glimpse into my heart and
mind.  But you cannot know exactly what I'm thinking, unless you ask
clearly and I answer truthfully.
Until you ask, you have only the most precarious evidence upon which to
build a judgment of my character or intentions.  It was in great wisdom
--and great compassion, tho we seldom understand it-- that God lifted from
our shoulders the burden of judgment of one another.
I have neither the responsibility nor the right to judge my fellows.  I
cannot declare the intentions of their hearts, or speak their minds for
them.  I needn't worry about their motivations... only my own.  In return
for keeping my silence on things that are none of my concern, I can rest
assured that others will not judge me or speak harshly of me.
At least, that's the way it was intended to work.

When young Joel sat in a cold metal folding chair before meeting, you
watched him to see if he fidgeted; you listened for any noises that might
interrupt the somber quietness.  When he was still and silent, you
congratulated his parents on having such a wonderful son.
When young Joel stood to his feet in a gospel meeting when he was 11, you
watched his face closely for the tears that marked sincerity.  You told
your children that he was a rebellious child, because he was late in making
his choice.  Marginally satisfied with his profession, you congratulated
his parents on having such a wonderful son-- especially his mother who was
quite emotional.
When young Joel gave his testimony in meeting, you listened to every word
and watched his rigid body carefully.  If he had only abject humility and a
broken, contrite heart you grudgingly doled out a quiet amen and an
occasional curt nod.  As long as he was faithful in speaking every week,
you congratulated his parents on having such a wonderful son... but when he
started missing a week here and there you fell silent.
When young Joel's best friends left the meetings, you condemned them.  In
your testimonies you quietly said that you hoped they would come back but
in private you loudly asserted that "they never had the spirit anyway."
You never went out of your way to understand the reasons why they forsake
the fellowship... you never felt their pain.
When young Joel's parents' marriage fell apart, you were silent.  This
time, like all others, you had no words of comfort.  He remembered your
testimonies-- every one of you prayed that you would have "a word in
season."  And you had nothing.
When young Joel's parents finally separated, you condemned them.  You said
they were setting a bad example for the other young couples, and they
should stay together for the sake of the Truth.  Mother must submit more,
Father must be gentler.  You had only terse commands, no healing balm.
Young Joel left the Truth... not because he had a wrong spirit, not because
Satan had hardened his heart.  You weighed him in the balance, and found
him wanting.  But if you'll take these words to God, He will help you see.
The lack is not in young Joel... it's in you.
Young Joel's parents left the Truth as well... and you let them go.  Few
among you had the nerve to call his mother and try to comfort her.  When
his father started asking questions, you actively shunned him.  After four
generations of attending meetings in the same area, Joel's family means
nothing to you.
Young Joel has found love, and compassion, and all the things God stands
for... away from the fellowship.  Those things were lacking, in the
meetings, and now I have them.  Seven years ago, my heart was desolate,
knowing nothing of kindness or acceptance amongst people who purported to
be the chosen elect of God.
Now I find that people who have never attended the meetings are in many
ways greater than those who have spent their whole lives trying to follow
the Living God.

I have journeyed to a far land, and I have come to the end of myself.  I
now put away the old and take on the new.  I will let *my* God make me into
a new vessel, more like His Son.  I remain in the desert... I'm not so far
away that you couldn't find me if you tried.  But this prodigal isn't
coming back.
In remembrance, I will stretch out my hand once a year-- if you have been
moved to a place where you can take my hand, I will rejoice with you.  You
will see my face at convention... where before I had to guard my life
against judgment, now I am open... quiet and at peace in the hand of God.
Your judgment has no power over me.  I shrug away my past of darkness and
uncertainty like a curtain and let the light of Love shine into my life.  I
welcome any who wish to enter in and rest awhile.


Even as I wrote this, He caused my spirit to soar.

Ps. 23
Because the Lord is my Shepherd, I have everything I need!  He lets me rest
in the meadow grass and leads me beside the quiet streams.  He restores my
failing health.  He helps me do what honors Him the most.  Even when
walking through the dark valley of death I will not be afraid, for You are
close beside me, guarding, guiding all the way.  You provide delicious food
for me in the presence of my enemies.  You have welcomed me as Your guest;
blessings overflow!  Your goodness and unfailing kindness shall be with me
all of my life, and afterwards I will live with You forever in Your home.

How fortunate we are to have One who will lead us from the petty spite and
bondage into the light of His perfect love.  After a finite time of trials,
He showers us with infinite rewards.  May we never forget where we've been,
and never lose sight of where we're going.

Your brother in Him,
~Joel Ehrig

To all those who have contributed to the List over the past six months
passing on your thoughts and advice to others - Thank You.

It has taken some time to reach the stage where you feel free to talk
about your experiences and life in the "way". So many of us are now at
different stages and still wrestling with the past and it takes some
time as 42 years of one's life cannot just be forgotten in six months.

The "truth" came into our family in 1917 with my Dad, his Mother and
brother professing. I was therefore born and raised in the "truth" and professed 
when I was 12 (1956). Some years later I questioned my Dad about the 
beginning of the "truth" and he told me about Wm. Irvine, that he had had a 
revelation from God and this Way was revealed to him. He also explained that
prior to this it had been hidden through the "dark ages" and we were very
privileged to have it revealed in our lifetime. I have accepted this although it had
never been discussed or been an issue.

As a result of circumstances, I became divorced in 1979 and my two
children stayed with me and we continued to go to meetings. Although we
never had a meeting in our home, I did have the responsibility of
leading the Wednesday evening bible study for a number of years.

In 1980 I met someone who had great concern for her salvation and after
many discussions she attended Gospel meetings with me. She later
professed and was baptized in 1983. Our friendship then continued. She
was also divorced and our affection for each other grew so we decided to
marry in 1985. Her two children and mine became one happy family.

We were visited by two of the local workers with instructions from the
head worker of South Africa and immediately stopped from attending all
meetings. What a blow!

I called our head worker and asked if I could visit him and discuss this
matter. I was prepared to drive 800 miles to where he was for the
discussion. He was not prepared to see me or discuss the matter. I asked
him whose rules these were and whose decision it was to excommunicate
us. He said it was his decision and his rules and he was NOT PREPARED TO
DISCUSS THE MATTER WITH ME!

Excommunicated by most of the friends and workers, although I had been
in the "Way" all my life! Marriage was something we did not go into
blindly but after reading and searching the Scriptures and examining the
reasons for my divorce and that of my future wife's we felt free to make
that choice. My ex wife who had left the "Way" in 1979 was now another
man's wife and had since had a daughter from him.

We were told by our friends to be patient, trusting and obedient and
that God would open a door. Another "friend" who had been in the work
and left for health reasons married a divorced man and she had been
patiently waiting for 25 years to be allowed back into the "truth".
Well, we waited and waited but continued with our own meetings in our
home with the children and they also would contribute their part. The
children were allowed to attend gospel meetings and we would take them
to the meeting and sit in the car outside. This went on for about 5
years and we were just told to be patient.  One by one, as the children
grew up they left home to pursue careers and also get married but none
remained in the "truth". Eventually it was just my wife and I but still
continued together - just waiting patiently.

We had several opportunities to travel to Europe and USA and made
contact with old friends there who were professing. Things were
different there. We were welcomed into the meetings there and even asked
if we wished to take part, which we declined as we felt we didn't want
to take advantage of another country. (Different rules there)

News had reached our head worker in South Africa that we were attending
meetings when we went overseas. On our next visit to Austria, the head
worker of Austria had received correspondence from our head worker
asking him to not allow us to attend meetings there. What a blow once
again.  However the worker there spoke to us and we were able to continue
attending the meetings.

There came a day when we decided to disobey the head worker’s ruling and
attend all Special Meetings, Gospel meetings and Conventions. Well, the
walls did not fall down although there were mixed feelings amongst the
friends" about our presence, most welcomed us back. We continued like
this for about 3 years then about two years ago, the senior worker in
our area of his own visited us in our home and gave us permission to
attend all the fellowship meetings.  HOWEVER - we were not to take
part in the meeting or partake of the bread & wine, as this would have
to be sorted out later. Our waiting for this to be sorted out dragged on
for nearly 18 months and several attempts to discuss it or resolve the
situation were thwarted.

We began to realize that when we were in we were in - when we were out
we were out. Then we were half-way in so we were neither in nor out.

Our desire to serve the Lord has been made stronger because we have
proved His love, His power and known His grace so we both continued to
read and pray more earnestly knowing that He who has led will lead.

Towards the end of last year, there were so many things we were
questioning…….

By whose authority were we banished?
Who had the right to prevent us from speaking or praying?
Who gives us permission to take the bread and wine?
We had bee judged and sentenced by man - the head worker. A decision
taken in ignorance and born out in stubbornness.

We heard about V.O.T. web site from one of the "friends" who visited New
Zealand recently and then we started to download - pages & pages of
information - I'm sure you all know what I mean.

Mid November 97 was our convention and we attended, listening carefully
and trying to weigh up every word. Was what we were reading on the
Internet the real TRUTH?

That was the last meeting we attended. The TRUTH had set us free - and
we were free indeed. Revealed to us by our Lord Jesus Christ.

We have both read The Secret Sect and Reflections which has helped put
many things into perspective and given us a better understanding and
background. As we read the experiences of others, we saw ourselves in so
many instances and realized we were not alone.

To all who are on the list, thanks for listening to me - the last 12
years have seen so many experiences and caused many tears, so it would
take along time to tell it all. This closes a chapter in our lives and
now we can start living again - free from the bondage of the so-called
"truth".

If there are any other ex 2x2's on the List who live in South Africa I
would be very glad to hear from you.

Sincerely,

Fred Roberts

Port Elizabeth, South Africa
6/98

Email me at:  fredroberts@icon.co.za

Dear friends,

This is my first time to write publicly to all of you.  It has been
comfortable just to sit back and "listen" since February, thinking thoughts
like "Maybe sometime I'll just at least say hello, if nothing more.  I have
nothing helpful to add!!!!!!!!  These brethren are saying it better than I
ever could.  Why do I need to enter in?"   This morning while sitting  under
our awning in the backyard listening to the gentle rain, reading the recent
letters from all of you, Bible on my lap, praying for several of you by name,
I thought how much I love all of you, and am free from the slightest thought
of judging anyone any more.  (How wonderful!!!!)   I would give each of you a
hug (if you would accept it).  By the way, I also have great love for those
still in the "lowly way".  Their limited knowledge and understanding of what
they THINK they know is a great concern!!!!!!!  Why do I love people that I've
never even seen?  Romans 5:5  can be the only answer.  Love in our heart is so
comfortable.  It brings us into a relationship with God and with other humans.
Also we receive hope,  patience, comfort, peace, assurance,  strength and
wisdom even in the worst trials of life.  (We have had a VERY SEVERE trial
lately which we probably didn't handle very well,  but now we thank God for
the loving prayers of others, His comfort and what He taught us through the
trial, and the peace that has come after the turmoil that was within us).  All
of you on this list show much love and concern for others.  Please accept my
thanks for all of your good posts and all it has meant to Bob and me.

We left our secure little place in the professing world in 1984, because of
just (really) small scraps of real understanding.  However, it was enough to
be willing to suffer the consequences which we knew would surely come (and
they did)--the shunning, loss of friends, "digs",  the fact that we couldn't
communicate our side of the "story", etc.  We floundered around, seeking real
Truth,  finding  very little in our associations for ten years.  Then  by a
miracle (yes, I'll call it that because that is what it had to be), we came in
contact with a few ex's. This is how.  One day I turned on "The Bible Answer
Man" program with Hank Hanegraff.  That day  someone called in asking about
the 2x2's. All my senses immediately went on alert and I called the 800 number
and got the small pamphlet they offered, through which we came in contact with
the source of ALL the books, which we immediately ordered.  Since we were tied
to no one telling us to burn them we devoured the contents, and LEARNED
through them what freedom in Christ really is.  We got in contact with some of
the ex's and found those with experiences like we had, and found that they
were in possession of that which would fill the void in our lives.  This had
no precedent as an exciting time for Bob and me!!!!  Next on the agenda has
been "the list", which we just learned about in February.  I certainly
wouldn't have chosen for our youngest son to take a job for the winter in
Antarctica!!!!  Panic!!  There is no mail in or out after February.  The only
way to correspond efficiently is by e-mail, so we, who "will never get a
computer" got a computer.  We found the list, and here we are in fellowship
with a group in which we fit.  Is all of this just coincidence??  I'm inclined
to believe it didn't "just happen", and that God has planned it all.  We are
deeply grateful!!!!!!!!!!  We count it such a blessing to know all of you
brave people, who have been willing to brave the stormy exit from the dark
existence you were in.  It has hurt!!  How we understand!!

We had meeting in our home for a little over 30 years, took care of worker
mail, had a home that was a "come and go anytime night and day" (harbor) for
workers and friends. I loved all the cooking, making beds, hustle, bustle of
special meetings etc., having workers entertain their company in our home, and
meeting all the new people. We knew so many wonderful people, and sincere
workers. Our guest book has many filled pages.  We enjoyed it all, and cried
when we left, when we were shunned, lied about, etc.  IT WAS WORTH IT ALL!!!!
We have found a fellowship with God that is not just "theory" any more.

I, too, as was mentioned in a post recently, have felt that as those still
"in" are  helped to focus more directly on RIGHT DOCTRINE,  and come to
realize that the gospel the workers are preaching is just what Paul was
warning the Galatians about, that, at that time, there cannot help but be a
response from those who are thinking.   Our brethren (workers included) need 
so desperately to see that the Jesus the workers preach is  "another Jesus"!! 
This was a great revelation to us, and made a terrific impact.  It IS a let down 
to learn about the lies and cover-up of the 101-year old system, no question about
that.  However, in OUR experience it is learning about the GRACE of God that
has meant EVERYTHING to us. It is coming to  understand the TRUE GOSPEL 
AND THE TRUE JESUS, so different than what we had known, and not hidden 
any more, but made so plain as we read the Bible with new understanding. 
TRUTH pops out everywhere we read!!!!!  What a change!!  We can't get 
enough!!!!!!  Life is anything but hum drum, dull or boring now.  We are senior 
citizens not living in the past, but already living in the future, not a "pipe dream", 
but a REALITY, the SUBSTANCE that is defined in Hebrews 11:1.  I have to 
pinch myself to realize it is really real!!!  We are not wondering  any more IF we
will make it to heaven, but we are waiting for the fulfillment of God's promise, as
we accept the finished work of Christ.  Please, do not think I am preaching to anyone.
This is just our experience that I long to share.

We are parents of three grown boys. We taught the lies to them.  We have
suffered much heartache over this!!!!!!!!!!  Being a "fixer" I would like now
just to infuse them with real TRUTH, but this is only a thing possible with
God.  We pray for our boys, and not only for them, but for others like them
whose lives have been adversely affected with wrong biblical teaching by
diligent, well-meaning parents who did their best out of loving concern for
their children.  We pray that parents now innocently teaching their children
the same thing we taught ours can come to the knowledge of how to be better
guides and counselors.

We KNOW that "all things work together for good to those who love God". 
Whose good do we desire??  If all our prayers and efforts (yes, and trials) can
ultimately work together for the good and glory of God,  which glory,  by
God's promise, we can witness and enjoy for all eternity, is it not a great
incentive to seek to "obey God and keep His commandments".  His commandments
are not grievous, like the commandments of men that we have all experienced.

OH!!!  And we diligently pray for the websites,  that all the information that
is available now will be found by lots and lots of our loved ones.

This is no doubt too long, but never having written an "exit letter", perhaps
this can count as such.  It would be so great if some who are still "in", some
whom we know personally, and have yearned to communicate our story to,  are
reading this.  We have wanted to let you know.   Maybe some have heard how we
got "mixed up".  Thank God for straightening us up!!!  All the credit belongs
to Him, now and forever!!

Mary Jane Sundin
Cheyenne, WY 

July  23, 1998

 Since I have been lurking on the list since May, I think it is high time to
introduce myself.  Although not B&R, I have early memories of attending
meetings with my grandmother years before my parents professed in 1952, and I
one year later in 1953 at age 8.

 I am grateful for a member of this list who shared with my husband and me the
information about William Irvine. That information was not well received by my
husband (whose brother is an overseer) and resulted in that person being told
he would be welcome at our house in the future, but religion would never be
discussed again.  It simply confirmed for me what I had long wondered... ie.
why there were no "professing friends" recorded  in history - surely if this
religion had been founded by Jesus, there would have been many seeking
religious freedom in England who would have arrived here on the Mayflower -
but the only "Friends" who came were Quakers.

 I owe a debt to my children also,  because in trying to answer their
questions about the "Truth", I was forced to acknowledge that I did not agree
with or accept the unwritten doctrine I had been rebelling against for most of
my adult life.

 I am thankful, too, that I sought help in Al-Anon and came to know Jesus and discovered spirituality. Although I always thought of myself as a religious person, I now realize that I never had a personal relationship with Him all the years that I was "professing."  I realized after several years in Al-Anon that I did not trust God (or man). It was wonderful to learn in that 12-step program that He loved me, regardless of
what I wore, how I had my hair up or how many "meetings" I could get to every
week. I had indeed been worshipping the messengers.

 After learning of the deceit by George Walker, et all, I felt like a weight
had been lifted from me.  I cut my hair, introduced myself to old friends as
"the new, free me" and ceased going to meetings.  I didn't consider an exit
letter was necessary, and since that time, I have not been contacted by any
workers, except when I happened to answer the phone when one of them might
have called to invite my husband to a meeting. Nor have either of the elders
in the meetings in town called, nor friends.

 Once last summer when I was staying at my brother's house, caring for my dad,
I came into the house after work to find 2 sister workers sitting visiting
him.  They clearly had come to "see" me, likely they were sent to verify what
someone must have reported to them about my "condition."  Within 5 minutes of
my arrival, one of them said, "Well, at least we got to SEE Faye," and they
left immediately.

 I have been shunned by any professing in-laws as well, but I do not hold
that against them.  I, too, was once blind.  But my daughter is hurt by the
loss of contact with cousins she once was close to, and I empathize with her.
I am only now, several years later, feeling able to look "friends" in the eye,
instead of dropping my eyes and walking 2 aisles away in the grocery store,
hoping I don't have to meet any of them.

 I do rejoice in the freedom of God's love that now lets me share openly with
any who question why there has been such a change in my life.  I am on the
computer every night and eagerly open e-mail to see what others here have to
say.

Incidentally, my pseudonym is my clown name, FuzzioLa D. Dah.  Yes, I am a
much more extroverted person than I once was.  I am Faye (Klingfus) Ricter,
from Rochester, Minnesota, home of the Mayo Clinic.  I will be happy to
communicate with anyone reading this.   September, 1998

John and Shawna Mitchell from Alberta, Canada professed as "outsiders" and remained in the sect for about four years. Their story is on their personal web site and can be reached by clicking here: