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February 15, 2001
I was not quite born and raised in the 2x2s. My parents joined when I was less than a year old. They embraced the "Truth" heartily and were determined to raise us as the perfect 2x2 children. I resisted the encouragement to profess during my teenage years. And when I was 15 worked out that I was living in a cult group. I was terrified! The only cults I knew about were doomsday cults........convention times were especially stressful. At the time I could see no way out. My parents weren't interested in hearing what I had worked out, and I lacked the information about the group to talk to any-one outside of the group about my fears. When I was seventeen I wrote what could only be called an "unofficial exit letter". Reading through my letter now, 6 years after leaving the group, I am stunned that I was prepared to put myself through so much emotional pain. However, I can also see that time does heal - it is possible to move on and have a happy and fulfilling life after the 2x2s.
It was over in minutes. That unpleasant duty you’d been avoiding for weeks.
“No she won’t be available on Sunday for the interview. We are Christians. We don’t do that sort of thing on Sunday. Sorry you can’t replace her with some one else at such short notice. Goodbye.”
You did all the talking while I stood there looking like an embarrassed fool. It took minutes for you to destroy my plans for the future, my self-confidence and the respect I had for you. Thanks a lot.
Now I stand lonely among you and your friends. Not part of the smooth friendship you extend to me. No! I have seen through the artificial Utopia you offer. I am frightened by your intentions. I must tear myself away but I feel trapped and lost and scared.
It’s been two years since my awakening. Two years of hell as, at first I struggled to break away from your company. I knew I could stand alone. I had my standards. I was prepared to fight for my life.
Who am I? I don’t know. I’m just an empty shell: named and programmed and moulded into the shining goodness of my sister. I must not think. Free thought is a crime that encourages individuality. Instead follow the path blindly like the rest, helplessly driven by the lashing of guiding words.
There are no crossroads, no paths to deviate. I stagger, desperately seeking the sanctuary denied to me. I weep for there will be no rests.
March!…….Left…….then right, through the empty landscape of life. I cannot see beauty around me. There is none; just the desert of meaningless life. I am dead. No room for meaning in life, for life is not meant to be enjoyed. Instead to be spent in self reproach at imagined sins in anticipation of better to come with Him.
It’s time to concede defeat. Tour final betrayal of me has finished me. I can take no more. Now you want everything, my life, my dignity, my soul, Left, with nothing I am desolate. Your attempts to destroy me have succeeded.
But you’ve also been defeated. I’ll be leaving soon. I cannot live in a dead environment. It’s time to start again. I do not believe in the values you have set for your lives.
Let me leave quietly. Give me time to heal the wounds of defeat. Allow me to search for meaning in my existence. I’ll travel through life taking both the good and bad experiences of an unsheltered life and, maybe one day I’ll have the courage to return and show you Emma.
- Emma
November 28, 2000
This is to let others know our story. Mine began in 1977 where I made a start in the cult group of the 2x2 ways and beliefs. I had a sister and one uncle involved before me. My sister had influenced me as a young man. I was raised in a dysfunctional family. There were many hardships in my life growing up which caused me to want peace. I thought I had found that in the 2x2 ways.
I professed in 1977 under two sister workers. I mainly went to the Sunday morning meeting for about 6 months before they came around with meetings. They were coming for my younger brother who had spent the summer with my sister in Oklahoma. My sister worked for some of the friends there. My brother wanted to go to the meetings and I offered to take him. I learned about the 'whats' and 'how tos' from a set of friends there in Licking, Missouri near my home town. I spent most Sunday afternoons talking with them and a younger boy about my same age group. I started out doing what they did not understanding the doctrine of the 2x2's.
My sister was like a mother hen to us boys as she was 4 ½ years older than me. She really never had much to do with me growing up. She mainly tolerated me around the house. But when I professed she was so happy and wanted to help me. She offered a place for me in Oklahoma to come stay with her. I wanted to do the right thing and try to change my life around so I agreed to move in with her in Chickasha, Oklahoma. There were some nice people there and a nice meeting place.
I began learning more and more of the ways of the 2x2's and wanted to conform to their ways. As I was around so many of the older friends and one of the ex-sister workers they spoke of the work . They were faithful in telling me about the work and how that was the best place for a young man. I was 18 when I offered to go into the work. I thought that was what was expected of me. I wanted to please them and they were so happy when I told them of my choice.
It was a year later that a place in the work came open and I went out at convention time. I really did not know much yet about the doctrine other than what was told me by others. I began searching for answers and sermons. My first companion was the overseer of the state at that time. I was afraid to disappoint him. I couldn't talk with him. He started training me and corrected me a lot in the gospel meetings. I was trying to preach but I never understood much. So my companion had to teach me verses to support the meeting in the home and the way the workers were to go forth. You know--all the basic. He took me through the usual tract of verses to support the 2x2's doctrine. I realized early that I went into the work for the wrong reasons but fear kept me in. Also my sister followed me the next year into the work in 1979. I was a whole year ahead of her in experience at that next convention. But it also left me no way out.
My second year in the work was very painful. At first it was ok because I was with someone new. I began to learn from him and some of it I questioned very highly. It was about mid-year or so with him that my life started to be turned upside down. He liked to cuddle at night and that bothered me a lot. I never said anything to him. I awoke one night to find his hand on my private section and that was it with the cuddling. He acted as though he was asleep but I wasn't that's for sure! Anyway I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I tried to stay awake longer than him so I could keep a watch on him. But I could feel him moving toward me so I would wait until he was asleep and move to the couch in the front room. This continued several months. I got caught several times by the friends on the couch and they began asking questions. I would try to hide from them what was going on but they could tell something wasn't right. I started to break down and talk to the friends and they sympathized with me. And many that could would offer us separate bedrooms. One of the friends could tell it was getting worse or should I say I was getting worse at hiding it. They encouraged me to talk to the overseer about the situation. I couldn't talk to him at first so they did and he approached me at special meeting time. He told me if I could hold on until the end of the year he would get me a change. That gave me strength to hold on and the friends that told him said they would help me too. It went o.k. for two more months and then he thought it was time to get out of the city and batch. I wanted to crawl in a hole somewhere. I tried to get out of it but nothing doing. We left the city and had an R.V. to use. At least it was an R.V. owned by my supporting friends who knew what was going on. They made sure our sleeping was separate. But in an R.V. it is tight quarters to say the least. He never made verbal suggestions to me, thank goodness, but he made me very uncomfortable and he knew I was.
Now convention was nearing and this nightmare would be over. But I was wrong. When the list came out I was with the same man. I had told my sister about my year with him because she and I were very close. I felt betrayed at this point and didn't think I could do this again. It was a horrible trip to our field. At least it was the same field. He did not like it either and thought he would take it out on me all the way back. He would tell me directions when we would go to one of the friend's homes and if I figured out where we were going he would change his mind and go somewhere else. The friends felt the tension as well. I made it another 6 months until special meeting time. I told the overseer if he did not give me a change I was going home. He at that time agreed to send me with a worker of whom I adored and loved very much. This was also messed up as he knew there were problems and he did not want to talk about them. Little did I know he already knew about him and at convention time when asked I refused to go out with him. All the other men on staff refused to go out with him as well but know one bothered to tell me the secret. My year with him was horrible as well as he thought the way to keep me happy was find things to get my mind off of it. At this point my trust in the staff was going down hill fast.
I wanted out of the work but felt trapped with nowhere to turn. One of my companions really broke the camels back as he had an affair with a sister worker. And he hid it from my sister and me until we went out of state to Rogers, Arkansas for convention as visitors. They should have just got married it was that bad. He shattered my hopes in all workers. My year with him built my confidence and I really enjoyed my time with him and then he took me to a deep state of depression in 7 days. In never felt good after that.
My final year was with the overseer again He knew all that had happened and he tried to nurse me back but I kept dwelling on all the wrong and since I had no trust in them I began to get sick at my stomach. But it was deeper than that. I didn't want to do this any longer and needed to find a way out. I thought and thought of freedom and wanted it so bad. I remember one night in a gospel meeting I couldn't take it any longer. I got up and started walking out the door and one of the friends came after me. They told the overseer I needed a doctor and an appointment was made. I started doctoring and everyone had all the answers for me to get better but no one knew my mind had already been made up. I wanted out! My sister added so much pressure to stay in the work and did not accept any other answer. To this day she still adds pressure about my decision of leaving the work.
My one professing uncle made a home for me to recover and it was there that I started to work for Ollin Mills in Wichita, KS. I still had pressure from my sister as she would not give up. Even when I went to convention with my uncle the pressure was great as my aunt believed 'once in the work always in the work' and I knew it so I talked mainly to my uncle.
At last I was beginning to start to think again for myself. I had made up my mind not to go back in the work and to take second best and make a home. I went to a convention in Clever, Missouri and it was there that I exchanged addresses with my wife to be. She and I wrote back and forth and one thing lead to another until I asked her to marry me and she accepted. When I told my sister I was going to get married she wasn't happy. I wanted her approval but only got more pressure. She had begun thinking the same. 'Once a worker always a worker.' She felt, and still feels, if God calls you into the work that could only be the place for you. I knew it was not the place for me. Even at my wedding rehearsal she tried her best to add pressure. But the wedding came and our life began together. We had our first child in that same year and faced many hardships with her birth as she had some medical problems.
I enjoyed my professing family and once again had come to trust them. It was great for several years. Our son was born 3 years later and he too had a medical condition. They are both doing fine now I might add.
Our family trust soon was broken as Linda's father sexually abused my daughter and he was an elder of our home meeting. He was also convicted of two counts of sexual abuse and spent 18 months in jail. This broke up the family unit that I had trusted in.
This took my wife and I down a road that also destroyed us. We left the cult group at this time out of anger. Being out of the group was difficult for us because the 2x2 Way had been drilled into us so much we could not get it out of our minds. We were out for about a year and my wife and I separated as she couldn't cope with what had happened to our daughter. We continued to talk to each other and started a couples communications group together which helped us to deal with strong issues about the family. We knew if we were to have a life together it would have to be in a new place where no one knew us. We put our house up for sale at 3 p.m. and it sold at 5 p.m. two hours later, a cash deal. We felt that was our answer we needed to move on. I left my job of 8 years and found new work in Tunica, MS in a gambling hall. We felt like this would be a place no one would ever look for us. We were in hiding. We left Linda's family without a forwarding address. We changed our number to an unlisted number and moved on. We stayed hidden for 4 years not going to church nor talking about God or anything. We felt condemned about this and still felt like the 2x2 was the right way of worship. This was embedded deep in our minds and of course my sister kept our whereabouts from the group a secret and she kept in touch with us the whole time. For the first time she didn't add pressure those 4 years.
We then decided to make a new beginning and again we stood up in a meeting never understanding salvation. You see salvation by Grace through faith is not taught among the group.
We re-professed again in 1995. Everyone thought it was such a miracle our hearts were softened after going through sexual abuse issues. We kept our distance from Linda's family although the things we had run away from we still had to face. We had to forgive them. There was one worker who did help us with doing this. He encouraged us to do the right thing and we did open the door again to Linda's family. We were able to talk to her dad but he never would admit the truth to the rest of the family, friends and workers so we were on the outside of the family's trust. Most of them think we made it up and some think it was a lie but we know it was true to this day whether anyone else believes us or not. It was covered up by the workers and we were told to keep it quite. We have lived with it for years as our daughter had nightmares for a long time. She has been affected by the attack and has gone through counsellors for the sexual abuse and she has learned to deal with it. She has never forgot it but she has learned to cope with it. It did help her at the day of his death to see he could not hurt her any longer.
The only one in her family that has anything to do with us is her mom. She calls us but makes up excuses for not coming to see us. She spends most of her time with her son in Clever, Missouri. Over the years she has missed out on seeing our kids grow up. The kids still love her and want a relationship with her but they can't compete with the other grand kids who live next door to her. Our kids don't know their own cousins either as they have been told the story the way the parents see it. So the kids find themselves outside of the family unit. We have been forced to be a guarded family looking out for one another. We don't speak of the problem to them. We have broken the cycle and become a family unit beginning with us. On my side of the family we have fellowship with most of them.
It was not until this year, 2000, that we saw through the 2x2 group. Our son began asking questions about professing and we started thinking of all the things he needed to know and accept and it just didn't sound right. On a visit from my sister in the work she told us of a letter that was passed among the friends a few years ago that took several out. She told us not to read it if we got one. "Just toss it away" she said "it is garbage." I asked her what was in it and she mentioned the internet site that was packed with lies. I wanted to look for it then but was told not too. After she left I thought I would try to look it up. Time went by and we forgot about it.
The more we thought of our children going through want we did the more it made us search for answers. It was about then that we found the site and spent several days and weeks researching all the information. We found out from the site we had a wrong beginning and it also explained why we found ourselves without peace through all of this. We had struggled through all of this pain without God's help because we started off wrong. Our SALVATION was THAT OF WORKS. You see if the workers don't teach God's Grace to be right with God than how can you know true peace?
We decided to leave the group then. We wrote a letter to the overseer and one of the friends to say we no longer wanted to have the Wednesday night meeting in our home. We also told them not to bother us about this decision. We prayed about what was right and started asking questions of outside people we knew. We went back to the internet site and compared notes to the Bible. We looked for a place to continue our relationship with God. At this time we still thought we were o.k. We visited the churches in town and came to find one we liked. We began a class to learn of their doctrine. We went every Sunday and Wednesday to the service for about a month and discovered we had to take steps for Salvation. Romans 10:13 haunted us: "For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved." We started talking to each other about this. And we told the kids about Salvation. We shared that verse in Ephesians 2: 8,9: "For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: Not of works, lest any man should boast." We realized all of us needed to take heed. I had never told my wife that I hadn't ever realized this in my life. I was ashamed being the leader of the household to admit I was still a sinner after 24 years being in the group.
The church was having revival services that coming week. That morning when we went to services I forgot my pride and admitted to God I was a sinner and got right with God and found peace for the first time. Also my whole family got right; my daughter and son and wife. We all understood for the first time in our lives that the process of Salvation was through repentance. Our salvation came to us that day as a free gift. It is not something your have to earn like we were taught in the 2x2 group. It will take us years to undo the damage from the group.
My sister thinks I am a mental case because she doesn't understand. It is being free at last that she will not understand until she admits to God she is wrong. Not to me!!
I hope this will help you as you think about what is right. For me and my family we will serve the Lord with thankfulness knowing that He has paid the price.
Thanks for letting us tell our story.
Sincerely written
Mike and Linda Kiser
p.s. We give permission for this account to be placed on the VOT.
March 30, 2000
I was in the "Truth" for 15+ years. My first encounter was when I was in junior high. I got to know a girl whose family professed. We became quite close and I was invited to her home to spend the night. I was impressed by her family. The quite, peaceful tone they used when speaking to one another. My home was very different. It was always noisy and definitely not peaceful. We grew up and grew apart. Years later she married an old friend of my husband's family so we started spending time together again. It was the early 1970's and we read a book by the name of "The Late Great Planet Earth." We both feared the end of the world and being left, should the rapture happen. We started to go to Gospel Meetings in 1973. We attended every meeting and both professed at the last one. The workers at that time were David Kennedy and Claire Bone. They visited me daily for several months. I learned how to fit in and did my best as I feared the wrath of God if I were found unworthy. My husband professed 6 years later. They successfully separated us from our family and any previous friends we may have had.
The Truth is definitely a cult. If I wrote all the questionable things that happened to me and my family during those years, I could write a book. To start with the women workers were always very strict and overbearing to the women friends. They were very nice and understanding to the men friends. I remember when my husband professed the worker told him he could not be baptized until they were sure we did not have a TV in our home. What does that have to do with salvation? I know friends we hiked with for years, the women would wear shorts when we hiked without the workers but when the workers were with us they wore a skirt. I can remember one friend, when seeing the workers coming to the door, ran to her bedroom to change her sweat pants to a skirt so they would not see her in pants. HELLO? Didn't God already see you? Who are we serving--man or God? They always told us it was God but when you consider this example it would appear that the Workers or man is who was being served. Peer pressure. That is the name of the game. At Convention I remember the young girls competing by wearing the most eye catching shoes they could find because everything else they had to wear was so plain. If someone wore mascara or trimmed their hair people would talk behind their back something awful.
I still love some of the workers and some of the friends. Although I know they look down on me and my family because we no longer profess. All that preaching does not wear off easily. I still do have fear. It was fear that brought me and it was fear that kept me. Now I can't get rid of it.
The main reason we are no longer in the Truth is because of what workers said to me after my son died in an accident in 1986. She made me question my son's salvation. I said if he isn't going to heaven then I don't think I want to be there either. When I failed to go to meetings, who cares about my grief, right, she said the devil was in control of my life. This was the clincher. I felt I could not go back. I did go to one Gospel Meeting a year or so later but just to see some of the friends. My belief in that loving relationship was diminished if not destroyed by that worker. After that we were shunned by the so called "friends" who before that could not stay out of our lives, now they wouldn't speak to us. What did Jesus say, He who is among you without sin cast the first stone. Yes, there were a lot of stones thrown at us during those years. We have learned to live with it but the fear is still there in some measure. My husband has lost all faith. Our children have the fear but do not attend any church. We are all scarred because of the "Truth."
If this message can help even one person to see the real truth it will not be in vain. To others with similar experiences let us stick together and "Fear Not" because "Love" is what it is all about!
Sheila Dennis
Prescott, Arizona
P.S. Since writing the above I've received some wonderful news about God's plan of salvation. It is what I hadn't understood all my professing days and all the years since I've been out. I am sitting here thanking God. I have just learned about God's grace and as a result a great sense of relief has come over me and I burst out in tears. I am finally, after 13 years, understanding the feelings I have been living with. I am so happy to find out at last and to know that Jesus did it all for us. He only wants our love and our trust in what he has done for us.
I remember so many times being told by the workers that if you put Jesus on the cross then we are putting ourselves on the throne. So, we need to put him on the throne and ourselves on the cross. I have bore that cross all these years even though I have not been an active participant in the truth, it has still lived on in me. I thought it was up to ME! I didn't consider the sacrifice of Jesus. How could I ever be worthy of heaven? I used to see posters and stickers that said "God don't make no junk." I could never understand that because I felt like I was junk. I am beginning to feel a freedom within myself now that I have never known. I know it will grow and I will be able to worship again. This time I will learn to love myself as a creation of God. I deserve to know how to accept his love and love him in return with NO FEAR!
Thankfully,
Sheila
March 2000
My name is Wilma Englishbee Davis. I have been on The List for over 2 years reading, crying, laughing and praying with all of you. I've sent a couple of posts to The List, but have never sent my story. I'm not going to be quiet anymore.
I was B&R in the truth in Houston, TX, (Pasadena). I was the 3rd generation (on both sides of my family) to be raised in this religion. My maternal grandparents were both workers before they married. I have an aunt who used to be in the work, but is now married and has convention on her property. We had Wednesday night meeting in our home as far back as I can remember until my parents divorced; then the workers took meeting out of our home. I professed at age 10 at Georgetown (Austin) convention. My dad always made sure our family sat on the front row! The workers used to praise him about how well-behaved his children were. If we started to nod off during service, my dad would flick us on the ear with his fingers to keep us awake! Six hours a day, for 4 days we had to keep our heads tilted back looking up at the workers on the platform. Just some of my "fond" memories of convention. I now live in the Dallas area and about 10 years ago I attended the Mt. Peak convention in Midlothian for about 3 years. I re-professed at Mt. Peak and I'll never forget what one of the friends I had known all my life came up to me and said afterward. She told me she was glad I had made my choice again, but that I had a lot to prove to a bunch of people! I couldn't believe my ears...I was so hurt. I remember thinking, "Who does she think she is? I don't have to prove anything to anyone on this earth; God knows the condition of my heart and He is the only one I need to be concerned about pleasing." I never felt God's spirit during my 20+ years of attending meetings, nor did I understand God's Word. I was always scrambling at the last minute before meeting to find something to speak on. My mom would always help me. I had always wondered why I could only explain my belief to my friends at school (and later my co-workers) as, "It doesn't have a name, it just goes by the Bible and it started from Jesus' time. Our ministers give up all their earthly possessions and go around in twos preaching the Gospel...just like Jesus sent His disciples." I know now that I couldn't understand what I was reading in the Bible because I had not truly accepted Christ; all I had accepted was a "way." All we ever heard at convention was how to live our lives correctly in "this way", on this Earth...the Bible was never really studied or explained properly. The focus was not on Jesus and His Spirit guiding our lives...it was on how we should be outwardly living our lives according to the workers, so that man could see that we were doing the right things. It's no wonder I couldn't explain what my religion was! When I professed at the tender age of 10 (because that was the expected age to do that), I was professing to please my own father, not my Heavenly Father. I learned the truth about the "the truth" 7 years ago. I was stunned...but, in a word, "relieved." I am so grateful that I found this Web site; it made me search for the truth...in God's Word. And, in doing so, Jesus revealed His truth to me. All the time I attended meeting, I never felt the peace and joy that I have in my heart now for Jesus. What a blessing it is to truly accept Him as my Lord and Savior and completely trust in Him for everything in my life! We have an awesome God and I am thankful for His grace and mercy and love for me. I don't have to prove that to anyone. I pray that His spirit will be evident in my life by my words and actions. And, the most important lesson I learned in all of this as that no one comes to the Father except through Jesus; not through the workers and then onto Jesus. Anyone who knows me and wants to contact me may do so; my e-mail address is wilmad@heart.org P.S. Yes, I am Elly Bremer's sister. Thanks! :-) Wilma Davis
February 1, 2000
My Name is Brenda Lewis. My maiden name was Smith. Last Spring I finally got the nerve to make a permanent break from "the truth." I was raised that your testimony was how you had found "truth." Now I am seeing that it is so much more.
My great grandmother had professed in Nebraska, her children did not, but her grandchildren did - which is where I came in. My mother was never happy with all the religions she was raised with and then she met my father. My father had not been raised this way, but his father had been, so when he dated my mother, and since she was "searching," they ended up in Gospel meeting in Oregon. As a result I was raised in this religion.
My dad rarely went to meeting but my mom always took my two older brothers and me. We were born in the San Diego area but in 1973 my dad had a job transfer to Georgia. Still my dad rarely went to meetings--he believed, but he had a problem with smoking and getting up on Sunday morning. Our meeting in Georgia was a forty-five minute drive away. In 1976 we had a potluck at our house on Saturday. That night I went home with some of the friends. The next morning at meeting I was sitting there with these friends and my family did not arrive. I actually became physically ill. I knew something was wrong. I was only ten at the time, but I had to get up and leave the meeting I felt so ill. My oldest brother David had been killed in an accident on the way to that meeting. And to top it off my other brother, Allan, was driving. Even though the accident was not his fault (the other driver had fallen asleep) Allan blamed himself and his lack of experience for "the accident." I say that in apostrophes because this has been a huge thing in my life that made me the way I am. I had been having constant nightmares about going to hell. I professed not long after the accident at the age of ten.
After the accident my brother Allan started drinking and doing other forms of escaping. He ended up married as a teenager with two beautiful daughters but he never recuperated from the pain he felt in not living up to the standards we were raised with. He died in 1993, at the age of 33, as a result of an aneurysm that was drug induced.
My story goes on. I was more of the perfectionist child. I wanted so hard to please my parents and help their grief. About the time I was thirteen I became bulimic. Now by saying this I don't want to feel I am blaming, but eating disorders are a disease of those who feel their lives are out of control. Typically I was the perfect professing teenager. I mostly dated only professing boys and I married at 18 to another boy raised in this religion, Kelvin Lewis, a nephew of worker William Lewis. I felt that I had done everything right and life was good. We had two beautiful boys and life just seemed wonderful. Then in 1991 my father passed away unexpectedly at the age of 56. He "professed" through the workers just before he died. I was so moved. At this point I never felt so close to the Lord.
About a year later my husband decided he was no longer going to meetings. He also was not sure whether he wanted me. I was a few weeks pregnant at that time. I remember telling him he had ruined my life. Here I was 26, with two kids and pregnant. My biggest concern was because of the way I was raised, I could never marry again. We ended up working out our marital differences but my faith in God was never the same. It was about that time that my brother Allan died and my faith really took a turn. In the spring of 1994 we moved near the Atlanta, GA. area. I still went to meetings with my mom, but after that my heart was never in it. For several years I went to meetings only because of the heartbreak it would bring to my mother if I were to leave.
Looking back I know that for years I had questioned the friends being the only ones saved. I knew far too many people who were Christians more than anyone at meeting. Also I had wished my whole life this "truth" we were raised on would help those who were in need. Those last few years going to meeting when my heart was not in it were terrible.
None of us can get back what we have lost. Time and years were wasted in mind control and guilt over perfectly normal and enjoyable things in everyday life. For example I regret never being allowed to have a wedding shower or a baby shower. I plan NEVER to go back to those feelings of guilt and loss because of never being allowed to participate in anything as a child. My children will never feel the way I felt as a child. Another thing I don't like is knowing that all these people you love and have grown up with your whole life think you are "sick" and pray for you to get better so you can be saved.
Finally, through others who had broken away, I was able to make that final break. I had others I knew send me copies of "The Secret Sect" and "The Church without a Name." Those books helped me a lot. The book I enjoyed the most is called "Reflections." I deeply enjoyed reading the testimonies of others and how they had dealt with their changes. For years I had felt that I had to decide between serving Jesus by going to meeting--or deciding I did not believe at all. I am SO happy that I finally know the truth about this way I was raised and that I can be the person I want to be without the fear of going to hell.
I still feel I want to feel spiritual in my life. I want to give that to my children. I am proud to say that my husband and I remained married through all of this for fifteen-plus years. I know this is not the scenario for a lot, but I firmly believe God knows all of our experiences and what we can handle.
I want to say to all the professing people out there that have been brainwashed their whole life who feel they can never ESCAPE it--THEY CAN!!!!!! I always felt I had to choose between God (which really meant professing) and Hell. I never realized until recently how foolish this is. I don't have all the answers, but I know if we love God with all our hearts God will show us what we need to know and what we need to do.
My mother stills goes to meeting and I think she always will. I never thought I would be able to be free from this way. But for those of you on the borderline, I can tell you---it is possible. I would love to be an encouragement to any still in bondage who feel there is no way out. My personal EMail address is KLBL@mindspring .com. Please seek encouragement somewhere!! It really helps. Brenda