Leaving the fellowship was one of the most difficult decisions of my life
but one that I have not regretted for even one minute....

You wrote, "I just hope God will guide me in the direction he wants me to
go." I want to assure you that you don't have to hope that God will do that.
You can TRUST that He will.
Years ago when I was miserable being in the fellowship yet knew it to be the
'only way', I desperately prayed that God would show me what to do.  When my
every turn pointed to leaving the church I was scared to death!!!!  It felt
very scary to trust in God's leading at that time because it went against
everything I had ever believed in. But the payoff (for trusting) has been
wonderful !!

Allow yourself to grieve, to be angry, to FEEL perhaps for the first time
ever.  God will not lead you astray.

Susan Howard
25 Jan 00

As for what finally made me decide to leave, it was that I couldn't take trying to be something, and someone I wasn't, nor did I wish to be involved with such a hypocritical group. I felt then that the 'way' was nothing but an empty shell.

Looking back I just do not see why I stayed with the group so long. Poor eyesight I guess. I knew better but justified my place until I could no longer stand it.

There are so many wonderful people there but I have no real fellowship with any. I confronted one couple with why they turned cold. They said we just don't seem to have anything in common. They are right but if they could see salvation by grace instead of works (they made it clear it is works even though they claim it's by grace) then we would have everything of importance in common. All I can do is pray. Not that they would correct their ways but that they could see Jesus. 1/97

We are no longer all alike, no longer clones. In talking with EX "ones" I have observed that we never REALLY were "of like mind" while "in." We just talked and looked the party line. Now we agree on SOME things but not on ALL things.

I'm SO glad to be OUT TOO! Happier and happier about it the more time goes on. My prayers (as a 2x2) used to be on the line of "help me be a better professing person etc." and now my prayer is more "thank you so much for the sacrifice of your Son for my sins, Lord! Please help the 2x2s understand the errors of the "Way" and help them accept your free Gift." It is so much nicer to be offering up thanks to God and not begging that He help me "be a better example" and all that!

I do SO value the freedom we have in Christ. I feel such a burden for those still in that are not content & especially for those in the process or who have left that have so many struggles. I know first hand how badly you can be treated by family & so-called friends.

If I EVER find that ANY organization I am a part of has been founded in deception and is girded up by continued deception coupled with the lack of desire for honesty; where the appearance of the group is more important than the integrity of the group; and/or where to ask questions and seek clarification is construed by the "leaders" as contentiousness... you will not see me shrugging my shoulders and excusing it as "to be expected." (I do not believe it is either expected nor acceptable)... I will be OUT of there!... (much more quickly than I got out of the 2x2 group, by the way!!)

There are some painful things in our past, and things that still exist today, which led us to the decisions we have made, but God has blessed us so richly with His love and grace that we are thankful for those experiences. We are now able to focus on God instead of the injustices and wrongs that continue even today. 9/96

I'm just glad that we are free to express how we feel and think. This is liberating.

I miss those I love something terrible, but I cannot and will not sacrifice truth, vision and freedom for indoctrination and deception to get "friendship" and approval.

Everything about this 2x2 topic hurts so much.

Probably most of us on this list spent agonizing YEARS, not looking for the possibility of a "middle ground," but rather, trying to convince ourselves that the group was the "HIGH ground." We loved the group and believed it was the true way of God, our family and friends were in it, our whole life (or many years of our life) had been devoted to it... we WANTED it to be "right."

Speaking of good things in the 2x2s there is one saying that really "spoke" to me: "Never make a major decision when you are in a valley." Mind you, that kept me "in" on several occasions when I was about to pull the plug. Still and all I think it is good advice. And, come to think about it, had I "pulled the plug" prior to the 90’s I doubt that I would have received the proper information that is available now. I would have left BEFORE most of the books were written and BEFORE most of this "exiting" started. I know the agony I went through in leaving and getting my head sorted out in the first few months after I left. So had I left "back then" I would have, no doubt, suffered unbearably. I wouldn't have learned about all the doctrinal error, lies, cover-ups, etc. and I wouldn't have had support from wonderful people like everyone on this list--people who understand!

So glad you are out, ____. You will not regret your move and you will get stronger and stronger in your decision as time goes on.

The friends over here have suddenly become very friendly after years of pretending we don't exist and I am not quite sure if this is a change of policy, or a change of strategy. We have heard that the friends have been told they should seek to be more friendly to those who have left.

It is true that people with different backgrounds, personalities, interests, wants, and needs, will apply different standards in choosing who they have fellowship with. However, I think there are some near universal characteristics we should actively look for and avoid when choosing who to fellowship with -- and unfortunately the 2x2's persistently demonstrate many of these characteristics. I do not share or condone fellowship with any group whose leaders systematically lie, manipulate, and seek to intimidate.

Maybe it takes awhile for the mind control to wear off. It has been 8 years since we left and I am just now beginning to feel like a normal person. Well, at least as normal as I probably will be. The other day we viewed some old home movies of the 1960s. I just had the old feeling of nausea well up in me as I saw those old clothes and hairdos. I can't get over how much we looked like hillbillies. It was sad also. I feel like so much of my life was wasted.

I guess you could say I was a superior saint - born into it, all family both sides professing (yes, all relatives too), Father an elder, professed when I was in my teens, always wore the right gear, etc. However, now that I have left - I don't think it makes a great deal of difference! People are just more amazed that such a "good professing person" left. Most of the arguments were just between me and the workers, and people probably didn't know anything was wrong until I quietly disappeared (though I stopped giving my testimony for some months before actually going). I think I am now considered worse than a heathen, and a number of people simply turn their backs on me in public. The glory of a superior saint snuffed out!

Unfortunately unless the friends are at the mental stage where they are ready to listen, and read, and think, they seem to have no alternative but to say we [who have left] are inspired by Satan and that we are terrible bitter people and that God's way will stand no matter what and why on earth are they doing "this".

I have started writing my story - and will send you a copy when I finish it one of these days. I admit it has been very painful to write, my departure from the group resulted in a nervous breakdown that took months to recover from. But I am more eager than ever to be a contact for former members, even current members who just want someone to talk to. After living under a heavy burden for many years I am very eager to share the true Gospel.

It seems to me that there was such a cover-up of feelings, emotions, scandals, etc. when we were at meeting. Now that any dare speak from their heart--the workers have no control over that.

I wish those still "in" the group would for once feel our pain too. We left the place of comfort we'd come to know and love too. For my part, I didn't leave the group until I'd exhausted all efforts to try to stay in. There wasn't an area of our life that wasn't touched when we left & I spent many sleepless nights too trying to reason things out. But when my leaving is treated like a cheap, spontaneous thing and something I did because I wanted an easier way of life--NOT SO!

I agree with _____ that when the worker anonymous writes its like a kick in the stomach, especially the false accusations. I'm sure glad I'm now free from that system. I used to think that the conforming to the standard was my suffering for Christ, but now I know it wasn't. Now I know what suffering for Christ really is and also His many blessings.

Our lives are so much more whole, full, content. Our children are enjoying a normal and happy childhood, without fear and guilt over every tiny little thing. I’m free of depression. My only sorrow, and it is great, is that we have lost our friends in the "truth." They are too fearful and suspicious of us to chance disobeying what they’ve been taught, and maintaining a friendship with us.

Another thing I have learned since leaving the 2x2's is how much I can learn through having to state and support what I think are my beliefs... sometimes I find out I don't really believe what I thought I did!!

When I was on the inside I would not even allow myself to think or feel ANYTHING negative about the fellowship.

I (and many here) love the friends and the workers. We did not leave the church because we do not love them. We left the church because our love for God is strong. In the church we saw conditional love. Sure, a great and giving love, but a conditional love all the same. We love the friends and workers, but they won't accept our love for them or our love for God.

Now that I’ve left the fellowship I realize that we didn’t talk about spiritual things or praise God much at all. We talked about the workers and where they were and who was coming to the Gospel meetings. Rarely did we talk about Jesus.

It's great to have freedom to search the Scriptures without the pressureof having to conform to some man-made rules.

Even though we enjoyed part of our life in the 2&2s, probably the reason we don't talk much about it is because we realize that much of what we enjoyed contributed to the over-all bondage it reinforced.

I've been OUT for about 4-5yrs and now read & study the Bible far more than I ever did when I professed. I used to read mainly looking for something to give my testimony about. Now I read to learn and to grow spiritually. My wife, ____, and I are experiencing love, care, worship, knowledge, and the power of prayer as never before as we fellowship with those at the church we've attended for the past 2 and a 1/2 years. 1/96

>>What are you all doing now or have done, creative or other, which has great meaning to you but would be frowned on by the leadership of 2x2?<<

I have learned to ballroom dance and have been part of 2 "follies" and welcome any opportunity to attend a dance. I have a great love for song and dance and some of this has come from my professing parents. Dad danced and mom sang before they met "truth" (not as a profession). Dad went to my stage debut in the late 80's and enjoyed it greatly and gave me a wonderful compliment; was rare for dad.

I now sing in a church choir complete with robes. We sing all types ofworship music and are now practicing for a concert in Latin ( Vivaldi).

I am in leadership at my church and our church team is doing the performance reviews of our paid church leadership, including our pastor. I am finding it humorous to be in a church situation where there is equality and appreciation between preachers and church members. This has been one of the hardest things to accept because of being raised where our "workers" were even held in higher esteem than Jesus. And as a young fellow professing person I always felt like a 3rd class citizen because I wasn't married or in the work and I was in my twenties. 2/97

Appreciated your comments on creative things we've done since leaving meeting. Congratulations on your ballroom dancing--I had to chuckle out loud when I read that though. It's rather difficult to imagine someone who had offered for the work (countenance usually stern, sober, very serious-type) doing ballroom dancing & ENJOYING themselves!! I applaud you on your ability to have fun. Also to _____--I knew you sang & enjoyed that a lot & had done some modeling but didn't know about your [clothing] designs.

I don't feel I do anything particularly creative; but I do enjoy singing. I sing in the choir at church, in some small groups occasionally, have done some solos & my 3 girls & I sing some specials at church. I'm thankful God gave me those gifts because music can lift my spirits when I'm depressed. Contrary to my 2x2 upbringing, I really enjoy music now instead of feeling it was somewhat a 'forbidden fruit'. One of the things I did when I left thegroup was to begin selling Avon. That probably sounds pretty trite & trivial to some but I'd always wanted to do that but didn't feel I could sell make-up & jewelry while I was in the group. One of the really wonderful fringe benefits that came from the experience was I met lots of neighbors & people here in the community & also I began asking people what church they went to. That's how we were eventually led to the church we now attend. I value so much the freedom I now feel & it's wonderful to hear that others have made a life for themselves after the narrow confines & constraints of the 2x2s. 2/97

It is exciting now to feel free to follow the leading of God in various areas of ministry and fun!

Since leaving the fellowship of the 2x2s I have done a few things that I would NEVER have done while still "in", such as:

Teach Sunday School, Lead Bible Studies, Church drama - (even in the singing Christmas tree), Choir, Speaker and board member for Women Aglow Fellowship, Telefriend worker - (Christian help line) "Focus on the Family" Representative, Board member and participant in our local March for Jesus - (Hallelujah!!) [Not a fund raiser as some have thought], Prayer chain, Teach "Crusaders" - (boys' and girls' club) Attend Christian retreats, Minister in prayer - one on one. Pray specifically even in the presence of others. Actively praise and give worship to Jesus, rather than just sing about Him. Dance in church as an outward expression of worship. Speak in tongues. Raise my hands or clap in church. Give to someone in need without judgement or without having to know how they would use the gift I've given them - (ie. money). Speak freely to church leadership without fear. Share my burdens with others. Ask for personal prayer. Visit a Bible book store without sneaking. Go to a movie. Wear my hair down or cut my hair. Wear makeup, jewelry, slacks. Actively participate on this mailing list. Enjoy seeing my children sing, praise and worship the Lord. Enjoy seeing my children serve in various areas of ministry - teaching, classes, praying for one another, travel with missions etc. etc. Lead people to a decision for Jesus. Extend to others the same love and mercy given to me.

I guess you get the idea...I could go on, but I'll spare you.

Love ________ 2/97

One aspect of this forum is that many have left the fellowship because of two things: 1 - the friends and the workers have a conditional love and 2 - the whole story about Ireland and Irvine. Now, this about Ireland and Irvine is not limited to just the beginning of days. It incorporates so much. It is a stepping stone on the path to a false belief in God. Added to this lie or misinformation is the non-acceptance of church buildings and those who go to these churches. Added to this lie or misinformation are the ordinances and commandments of men to not do certain things and for the woman to appear a certain way. Added to this lie or misinformation is the cover-up of the lack of unity in the church and the cover-up of immoral acts and home-breaking that occurs (yes, even if these are few in number, which they might or might not be).

The friends are wonderfully moral people. They are very hospitable. They are very meek and gentle. [Again, just a generality, but holds to most I know.] The people in this forum who have left the fellowship have no problem with this. But this is not the topic of this forum. This forum is supposed to be one-sided. For years we listened to and accepted and were subjected to the one-sidedness of the workers. Of this we have no complaint concerning the morality, hospitality, meekness, and gentleness of most of thefriends. The one-sidedness we object to concerns the conditional love, the commandments of man, and the lies or misinformation revolving around the foundation of the church. 2/97

I was allowed a fringe [bangs] when I was 11 or 12. I was fortunate that I was mostly allowed to have my hair out, even at the meeting. I think other girls had fringes but when I think about it the more "hearty" ones didn't. I was also allowed to wear trousers (not to meeting things of course) and so I mistakenly thought my parents were a bit liberal but I have realised since talking to them more recently they are far more entrenched in meeting 'theology' than I thought (especially my mother) and I remember now that we were somehow expected to know when not to be seen in such clothing and supposed to know not to mention a radio, probably in the guise of not letting a brother stumble- Rom 14 :13. It's probably no wonder our family wasn't up to the mark and not approved of. Our friends seemed to be of like mind and we didn't seem to mix with 'hearty' families. However I don't think I noticed this too much at the time. When I lived in a different city it seemed a bit different but now I realise you had to somehow pick up the unwritten rules so you were left feeling a bit as if you didn't quite belong or didn't know how to behave. 2/97

Fortunately, camaraderie and fellowship is not exclusive of the 2x2 group... the new relationships/friendships we have established and the wonderful opportunities to REALLY study God's word together with others who also love Him and His word (even though we certainly don't always agree on all things!!) have been a new delight in our lives!!

I greatly miss the old camaraderie and "acceptance" of many/most or our friends/family who are still in the group, and though I would LOVE with all my heart to be able to recapture that, it could never be done by my going back to where I was before... knowing what we know now, we could NEVER go back. The unbelievable joy and peace; the wonderful sense of deliverance; the liberty in Christ; the fullness of God's blessing poured out in our lives; the magnificent opportunities to worship and fellowship with others in God's family... all those things I THOUGHT we knew in the group (and thought were EXCLUSIVE to the group), but found in unbelievable measure when we left the group...how could we possibly go back!?!!

Do we regret our choice to leave? Are we miserable and feeling condemned? Have we walked away from God? Are our lives empty and unsettled? Are we searching for something that we will never find...that cannot be found outside of the group? On the contrary... we are rather praising God daily for His goodness and His deliverance!!

As _____ said so well:

"This topic has made me realize afresh that I AM SO BLESSED TO HAVE COME TO KNOW THE TRUTH AND HAVE BEEN SET FREE!!!!!!!!!"

AMEN!!! 4/97

We've journeyed back to Zion The city of our God Apostles, prohets, Martyrs This lonely pathway trod We've left the land of Shinar Its lies and its deceit Yes, bruised and broken pilgrims To gather at Christ's feet We've left the land of bondage Where souls enslaved still groan Controlled by fear and torment, Where seeds of guilt are sown There in the land of Babel They drove us till we fell Beneath the heavy burdens Sad tales we all can tell But oh, the Saviour whispered "Come unto me and rest, Lay down your heavy burdens Come dine, and be my guest I'll lead you by still waters In pastures green you'll feed I'll never drive your little ones, Supply your every need I'll go before you precious flock Your young, I'll gently bear The old, the faltering weary ones I'll handle them with care Here every soul is precious I died to make you free I am your loving Saviour, No partiality The canker worm and locust Destroyed the crops you've sown But I'll restore them all to you For you are now my own In Babylon they'll scorn you, Be hated of all men, But raise your hearts to heaven I'll soon be back again."

- Written by Sheila Martin, Ontario Canada. Essence Publishing has published a book of Sheila's inspirational poems called MY LORD & MY GOD. The ISBN number is 1-896400-21-3 Sheila's poems reflect her personal struggle to know Jesus, the One she loves and adores. If you would like to purchase Sheila's book please click below to reach her publisher: