December 1999

In the winter of 1992 my young family, husband and I moved into the basement apartment of an older couple who, as it turned out, were involved in a group called The Way. Before viewing the apartment the landlady mentioned they held Bible studies on some Wednesday nights. Being new to this city I thought "right on!" This would be a great way to meet people as we were Christians too. We lived in the furnished apartment but oddly there was no T.V! After residing there for approximately a month my husband said we should rent one. It had not even dawned on us that this couple did not posses one either. I found out later it was part of their belief not to own one.

Shortly after we became their tenants they invited us to the Sunday night meeting. Upon entering the meeting, which was held in a school gymnasium, we were greeted and handed a hymnal. I wore a brightly colored dress with jewelry, earrings and makeup. I quickly noticed none of the other ladies wore such items. None of the ladies wore their hair down but all up in a bun. I also noticed none of these ladies wore any adornment except perhaps what I would classify as a fancy hairpin. All of the children present were well behaved. I admired this as I believe children should be well behaved.

I noticed throughout the meeting the songs sung were very nice however they did not address the blood of Jesus as a sacrifice for one’s salvation. After the meeting I found the people to be somewhat friendly but not overly inviting. We felt like outsiders. Overall the meeting left me empty with a feeling of "where is Jesus in this meeting?" We were used to having songs sung of the blood of Jesus and praising Him for our free gift of salvation. I also noticed there was no reference to any aspect of the Trinity. This was not a familiar Christian setting to anything I had been to before.

We returned home. I thanked my landlady for inviting us and that was all that was said however we were never invited again. In later days I would have conversations with our landlady asking her of different aspects of her church. Her answers were always very vague; if answered at all. I was puzzled. One day I asked her "What is the name of your church?" She said "We really don’t have a name." I thought to myself how can you belong to an organization without a name; everything has a name!

It was during these days that I met a fellow church member of the landlady. In confidence I asked her the same question: "What is the name of your church?" I informed her of the landlady’s answer to this very same question and she was surprised that the landlady had given me no concrete answer. She began to laugh as the landlady’s answer had sounded as if their church was a no-name generic brand! After she stopped chuckling she said they referred to themselves as "The Friends," "The Truth" or "The Way." I was now enlightened. Suddenly a church which had no name had several names!

One Wednesday evening not long after we had attended the Sunday evening service guests started to arrive for the Wednesday Bible study. We waited in the basement hoping to be invited upstairs. We were not. After the Bible study our children saw the "Friend’s" children playing on the entrance stairway and they hoped to play with them. Our children approached them but they took off and never returned unlike other Christian’s kids who would wish to play with their own age group. Not only were our children disappointed but we as Christians were also disappointed that we were denied the Bible study and the fellowship of the attendants. And so the evening ended, we in our basement apartment and them upstairs. How was it we were invited to the Sunday night meeting but not to a Wednesday night Bible study? Is not a Bible study just as, or more important, than a Sunday night service?

We were also aware there was a Sunday morning meeting but we were never approached to attend. As newcomers to the city we were very lonely and anxious to meet believers such as ourselves. We could not understand. I once again approached the landlady’s friend and asked her why we weren’t invited to the Wednesday night Bible study. She said "Outsiders are never invited to the Wednesday night; only the Sunday night. You have to belong to the fellowship to attend." This left me wondering as Jesus said "Whosoever will may come."

I quickly realized that this was some secretive group which were very friendly to their own and having an outward appearance of friendliness to outsiders yet with a distinct feeling of coldness.

I was feeling very isolated living in the basement of this professing Christian couple who I could never have any Christian fellowship with. I assumed we served the same God and yet our conversation never connected. To me serving God was being joyful and thankful for His saving Grace and that what I possessed as a Christian gave me freedom without having strings attached and restrictions. I saw a lack of inner joy in these people which other Christians I knew possessed.

Having experienced the Christianity of this group, called The Way, I became more aware of the Free Gift that I had been given by accepting Jesus into my heart as Lord and Savior. All the work had been done by Him, all I had to do was believe. It became clear to me this group did not have the confidence of their salvation as they seemed to continue to work and strive for God’s acceptance. Perhaps this is why they lacked joy as such knowledge gives much inner joy and peace and rest.

I trust God’s love and grace will touch these people and make them aware that He is all in all and no one can out do Him. The price has been paid. All we have to do is believe and receive the Gift.

Donna Stourac

Former tenant

October 2, 1999

I was 22 when I first professed. My husband and I were expecting our first child and, as is usually the case, we began to get serious about life since we were about to be responsible for one. Bob Ingram and Elden Kendrew were holding gospel meetings in Homer, Alaska at that time and when my husband asked me if I wanted to go my response was "Yes, it would be nice to get a little religious." I was so naive!

My husband's ties to the church were through his mother who had professed when he was about 10. Two of his siblings also professed. Within a week after we professed my husband went to work on a construction job in the "bush." When he came home 2 months later he had lost all that emotional momentum that generally takes place prior to professing, and so we quit going. We did go to a Convention the next year but left half-way through the first day as I felt like everyone was staring at us.

When we were expecting our second child we were again invited to Convention by relatives and again we went. While I was in the nursery with our baby, the meeting was tested and my husband again professed. Though I was not aware of it at the time, he always felt in the deep recesses of his mind that one day he would have to do the 'responsible' thing and profess.

So the next Sunday we went to meeting in a home and I took part saying, "If this is what my husband wants, it's what I want." Again, I was terribly naive. I had such confidence in my husband and his wisdom that wither he went I was prepared to go also, even if it meant outwardly looking like #%$&. :-) What I didn't understand was the subtle pressures my husband felt. Pressures that superseded his good sense. I just figured he knew something I didn't.

Despite how I looked and the affect it had on my sense of femininity, we were happy most of the 20+ years we professed. Alaska was a young branch of the church and in the 70's there were many innocent naive new members who felt free to do and say what came from our heart and any "conforming" appeared to be backed by scripture so that was okay too. Fellowship in a home, no appearance of structure, the *seemingly* gentle ways of the people, . . . . all this appealed to us.

However, it did not appeal to my parents and siblings. Though they did not feel free to nose into our business too much, they were very concerned. Not just with my outward change, but with the change in my whole personality too. My generous smiling nature gradually became suppressed. And though I was aware of what was happening, I didn't understand the significance of it. I dealt with it by keeping myself busy being the perfect homemaker, hostess, wife and mother.

It wasn't until the "Alaska experience" in the later part of the 80's that we began to have our eyes opened. Things weren't as we had thought they were. This really WAS organized religion at it's worst. And in the test, the ugly side began to show up. When the likes of Jack Price, Sydney Holt, Willis Propp, etc. came to Alaska with their spirit, I was left with the feelings of having experienced the rape of my dear and virgin Alaska.

Nevertheless, for more than half a dozen years we tried to make things workable. We loved so many of the people and those we became suspicious of we tried to ignore. Looking at it all through the idealist eyes of my husband, we decided THEY did not define the church and THEY would not take it from us.

All the 'goings on' bothered my husband and I, but probably more so me. I approach problems in a more pragmatic (as opposed to idealistic) way. In addition, I am all fire and emotion and my nature is to investigate something thoroughly and then take action. My husband's nature is slower, calmer, and just as thorough but he then chooses to acknowledge and then ignore. However, I had such a distaste for lending credence, even in the least bit, to something I see as potentially harmful, that we both agreed we needed to step away from the church for a while so we could look at the whole experience objectively. This is what we told workers and friends.

What we didn't realize at the time was that our two oldest children, now in college, were experiencing similar misgivings about the church. But when they came home on holidays, out of respect for us, they never said too much. I'm happy to say this experience did not divide our family as it has some. We are all free of the church and very settled with no lasting psychological harm done.

I spoke earlier of enjoying being feminine again, but the funny thing is, when we were working our way out of the church, and even a bit after we left, I was so involved in the doctrinal and then the psychological harm of it, I gave very little attention to what it meant in terms of outward dress. When it finally dawned on me the freedom I had, I drove to the nearest department store and spent over an hour trying on jewelry before I bought my first pair of earrings.

So what are we doing now? This whole experience brought us even closer and we're thankful for that. The quest for spiritual maturity is the axis around which our family evolves. Our need today is to remain free of any who seek to define and control the stages in the developing and maturing spirit of another.

Sincerely,

Sharon Morgan

msmorgan@arctic.net

This brief summary is a first hand personal view of the Alaska situation which I referred to in my testimony above. The Alaska situation regards the removal of two workers in approximately 1988.

B.I. was removed from the work because of sexual misconduct that had happened and been laid to rest approximately 15 years before action was taken. By misconduct I mean an attraction between him and a sister worker that did not result in fornication. This is my understanding from B.I. and others and I have no reason to doubt them.

T.O. was removed from the work and fellowship because he was preaching "false" doctrine. We understand this to be the second time he had been removed from the work. Several years prior to this event, while laboring in Washington state, he had been removed for a few years for the same reason. "False" doctrine.

In our minds eliminating the two brother workers was more a power move than anything else. The move backfired. The state was in an uproar. The elders, having received a cold informal letter from several out-of-state head workers stating the removal of B and T, did not appreciate not only the spirit of the letter, but that their input had not been considered. Elders from all over the state gathered for a meeting with several out-of-state head workers. There were many public meetings, emotions ran high, and true colors were revealed. The ugliness of it all was a real shock to many of the friends in Alaska and the situation was impossible for us to ignore.

Almost over night many of the friends lost respect for the workers. Even workers they had been close to put the church before truthful and honest communication. In the minds of some workers as well as some friends, for the sake of holding the church together, "lives had to be sacrificed." It was organized religion at it's worst!

As I recall all Alaska workers were under suspicion at that time and within a year they were dispersed to other states. There was concern (and rightly so) that the friendship between Alaska workers and friends would work against the out-of-state head workers. One sister worker was sent to Alberta, where after a question/answer grilling from the Head worker of Alberta, she was put out or chose to leave the work. Two sister workers were sent home to “rest.” One sister worker left the work but continued to go to meeting. A handful of workers were sent to Washington state while some of the others were sent to other states. None, that I know of, are free of the mindset that there is only one true way and the 2x2 church is IT.

New workers were sent in to Alaska to take the place of those who had been moved out. I believe these new workers sent in were carefully picked for their loyalty to "authority."

Things did not quiet down very soon. A year later there were still problems between many of the friends and workers. The powers that be brought in more VIP in the church to win the people over. That's when L.W. came to Alaska. Initially many viewed him as the Great White Hope, the one who could help make things right. We quickly saw how weak and ineffective he really was.

Many of the friends lost their meetings and other "privileges." In time division among the friends came about. Workers played friends against friends. A "troublemakers" meeting was created in Anchorage, again by the out-of-state head workers, for some who had openly protested how things had been conducted. The only reason people were not "put out" was because the numbers were too great and there were some very influential friends with strong connections in other states. To put out everyone that did not support the behavior of the workers would have had a devastating and far reaching domino effect.

The whole Alaska experience was the beginning of our examining just what it was we were a part of. B. and T. were our friends and, though we didn't necessarily stand BEHIND them on everything, we stood BESIDE them. We could not have done anything less and still been able to face ourselves in the mirror each morning.

It took us several years to work through our mind-set, and when we left it was without anger, having settled most questions in our minds. We hold no hard feelings for the church or workers. We understand them as being in a very elementary stage of learning what God is about. In our minds they are in need of our compassion as we see them more as victims of ignorance then anything else.

Because this eye-opening experience left no one in the church unscathed, many can relate to some degree why we chose to leave. And so we remain friendly. The Alaska branch of the church is not the church it was in the 70's and early 80's. There is an apathy now that we never noticed before. Potlucks and picnics are much more rare. One elder’s wife admitted to me that the only reason they stay is because in all their 60 some years in the church it has been drilled into them that the 2x2 church is the only way and they're simply afraid to leave, EVEN in the face of reason. Others believe there is one true church and this is IT but it's a mess right now.

My purpose for publicizing this experience on VOT is because of what it revealed to us personally; that there is a lot of subtle psychological harm being committed in this church, either knowingly or unknowingly.

Sharon Morgan

October 3, 1999

September 5, 1999

   My name is Russ Bremer.  My wife, Elizabeth Englishbee Bremer, was
B&R and left the Truth in her late teens, after her parents were
divorced.  We met and were married when she was twenty-one.  Going
into our marriage, my wife had filled me in on the "Truth" and over
the course of our thirteen year marriage I have learned about all of
the baggage that goes with having been a "friend."  My wife and I are
best friends, real friends.  Her pain is my pain.  Her tears are mine.
I have come to hold the same resentments towards the "Truth" that she
holds.
   I married a woman that did not know love.  A woman that could
neither freely give, or receive love.  She knew the word.  She had
heard it often enough.  She had spent her life going through the
motions, but never really FEELING love.  There were always strings and
expectations attached.
   I married a woman who did not know her own beauty.  She might have
heard the words, but no one had ever made her FEEL beautiful.
Informing her of her own beauty would have inspired her to be
"worldly."  As difficult as it is for a rich man to get into heaven, I
suspect that in the "Truth", it is equally difficult for a beautiful
woman.  I suppose a woman's beauty is an advertisement of her genders'
original sin and something to be stamped out.  More likely, such
beauty is too much of a distraction for the workers.
   I married a woman afraid of her own thoughts.  A woman continually
wondering what she was supposed to think, looking for her ideas and
beliefs in the expectations of others.  A lifetime spent
second-guessing herself.  Confusion instilled to ensure loyalty.
   I married a woman who did not know trust.  People always had
ulterior motives.  They always wanted something.  They always wanted
to use you in some way.  Paranoia instilled to ensure loyalty.
   I married a woman that did not know joy.  Happiness was always
fleeting and never to be trusted.  You paid for your joy with the
sorrow that would soon follow.  In front of every silver lining, there
is a cloud.  The glass is ALWAYS half empty.  Better to be numb and not
feel anything at all; it's safer and easier.  I call this
"flat-lining."  Despair instilled to ensure loyalty.
   I married a woman who did not know acceptance.  She was never
accepted for who SHE was, for her OWN self.  Conformity was demanded
and enforced with guilt and the threat of being shunned.  Reminds me
of my days in junior high.  Inadequacy instilled to ensure loyalty.
   I married a woman that did not know independence.  Self-
sufficiency, and self-reliance had been discouraged.  Challenging the
real world on its own terms, facing doubts and fears head-on, braving
all of the good and bad that life has to offer, was not an acceptable
course in life.  Huddle in meeting, keep your head down, don't say too
much, don't say it too loud, don't ask questions, and you might go to
heaven by the grace of a worker, not God.  Dependence and subordinance
instilled to ensure loyalty.
   Some of you may ask yourselves why I would marry such a woman.  The
answer is simple: she survived.  She got out with enough of her soul
intact that she was still looking for answers.  She got out with a
heart strong enough to still hope that she would find those answers. I
fell in love with the strongest woman I have ever known.  We have
spent our lives together looking for answers and growing in love.
   Being an "outsider", I do not pretend to understand all of the
nuances of the "Truth."  I will not insult any of you by pretending
that I can completely understand the feelings and experiences of those
raised in the "Truth," but I can attest to the results.  I have seen,
first hand, the devastation that this "way" can inflict on a human
soul.
   Over the years, I have been to several meetings and one convention.
I have met many of the "friends" on these occasions and at family
gatherings.  Many of these people are fine, moral individuals who
appear to be perfectly content and fulfilled in the "Truth."  I care
very much for several professing members of my wife's family.  I will
be the last one to try and rob them of their contentment.  Perhaps,
their experience in the "Truth" has been a "kinder, gentler" one.
Perhaps some people just find it easier to not dig too deep into life
or their own psyche; it gets messy in there, you know.  It is always
so much easier to simply follow the rules and not ask questions.
Perhaps this is a testament to the power of the human mind to
rationalize any experience, even the invasion and abuse of the soul. I
have no answers on this score and I make no excuses for the "Truth."
I have seen the results.  I have seen the pain that this "way" has
caused in my wife, and her family.
   The sad part of this is that the "friends" will read my words and
consider this a direct assault on them, or they will pity me as some
lost sheep, another unworthy soul.  What they will fail to see is that
this is just another small example of ordinary people reaching out to
one another, the way we all do, everyday.  It's called love, even on
the internet.

Thanks for reading, Russ Bremer, Houston, Texas

PS:

If you would like to contact Elizabeth or me privately, you can e-mail
us at russ_bremer@ingerrand.com.

If you were wondering, I was raised as a Methodist.  My family moved
when I was fifteen and I never bothered to attend services in our new
home town.  I broke with the church, but not with God.  I have
questioned His existence at times, but I have always come back to the
belief that there is more to this world and this life than what our
five senses tell us.  When I have all the answers, I'll let you know.

Also, if you were wondering, my wife read this posting before it went
out and insisted that I include her full name and avoid any anonymity.
She's really big on the truth; that is to say, the real truth.

rb

September 4, 1999

I was raised in a professing home, my parents professed as teenagers and their parents also professed, so of course at 11 years of age when I was in a gospel meeting intended for a women who had fallen but was being coaxed back in, I felt that the call was for me, so I professed. I really didn't know what that meant except that it gained my parents' approval and I was "in" with "God's people". It was quite difficult as a teenager to follow the dictates of the workers and my parents, but in order to avoid feeling the shame that I felt whenever I failed at reading and praying, wearing dresses, fixing my hair in the appropriate bun, I tried very hard to do what was expected. I felt an awe of the workers who were in our home a great deal, yet I felt torn between looking like them and pretending I really wasn't one of them. (I'm probably not explaining this very well; they were admirable and good, but they just looked so different that I didn't always want to be seen with them in front of my peers).

I married at eighteen, a man who was also professing. My parents waited until I was getting ready to get married to put much emphasis on college, then it was suddenly stressed as important, really as a means to keep me from marrying. I was surprised that they developed this sudden interest in a college degree for me; it seemed that in our part of the country (the South) that the workers spoke only of the dangers of college, and a suitable life for a female was to marry, have an open home, and raise children to be saints or even better, workers.

In my twenties, I decided that it was pointless to continue what I saw as a hypocrisy, and I stopped professing. My family was devastated; by this time I had two children and I'm sure they saw that these children were doomed with unsaved parents. I went through a period of trying out what I felt I had missed as a teenager, and of course I didn't find much happiness in that (just as the friends had predicted). At age 27, I returned again to the Truth, feeling that God had shown me what I was missing, and repentant for the years I had wasted. This time, however, I found out that as a new convert I was given lots of attention which was what I was really seeking, but once the profession was made and I was a Friend again (albeit with lower status than before, now being somewhat unstable) everyone pretty much forgot about me. I also began to notice that these Saints who were so perfect in God's eyes, were often unscrupulous in their business or personal dealings. How could this be? These were God's select? I guess my faith wasn't as strong as I had proclaimed, because I became very disillusioned, very quickly. When I decided again that this just wasn't the Way for me, my mother was so upset she couldn't even speak. It was the worst fate she could imagine for me.

Now, fifteen years later, I have come to accept myself as I am. I have even come to see that I do have good qualities and can be a good person without constantly telling others about my shortcomings. I can respect others for their beliefs, even when they are not consistent with mine, and I can see that even though my parents introduced me to a way of life that took me years to get over and learn to forgive, that they were doing what they thought was right. I can't fault them for that. I can see The Truth as a religion, not as the only passage to Heaven.

Does it still hurt that my family will never accept me as a person unless I am professing? Yes, and I guess it always will. Once you have the information that as long as you are an Outsider you will be an outsider, you always know your place among the Friends. But, I still think we have to be true to ourselves above being accepted be others.

Thanks for listening. That felt kind of good to write down.

Donna Elza

September 3, 1999

My name is Mark Burrell, I am 31 and live near Sydney, Australia with my wife Jenny and 2 children Hannah & Samuel. I was brought up in the "truth", a 4th generation 2x2. I professed at 14 & stopped going to "meetings" about 10 months ago, in October 1998.

After attending meetings, missions, conventions all my life I often felt I had just grown into these things. I had no personal revelation, no personal experience with God, what was my testimony? Sure, I had felt moved to profess but that was out of fear, not love. This often bothered and puzzled me, others in the "way" seemed to have something but all I seemed to have was a way of life that was a huge hindrance to me naturally. The biggest battle I had was talking about these things to anyone "outside", if I could hide the fact that I went to church on Sunday, or didn't have a TV, music, etc, I did. This continued into my working life to the point where I became an expert liar! Sunday would come and I would somehow find something to say, I have the gift of being able to remember details well which possibly even helped my testimony to sound good. Added to this over the last 4-5 years was the responsibility of taking the meeting when our "bishop"(they're not called "elders" much in NSW) was away which was quite often and in spite of there being other eligible older men that I felt should have had the job. The emptiness of my service led to an incredible guilt building up along with a shame that I was the biggest hypocrite that ever lived. I didn't feel able to talk to anyone about my situation.

Last September, the meeting was moved to our home. This was unexpected and something I just wasn't willing for in my condition, although I didn't openly object, you just don't do that. Now I felt more trapped than ever. It was like the straw that broke the camel's back, I finally let things out into the open and talked to the workers, and they moved the meeting 6 weeks after we had got it. Soon after that I stopped attending meetings altogether. The initial reaction from family and friends was one of shock and horror. My whole life seemed to be in upheaval, I seemed to lose control of myself, in the next months my marriage almost broke up, I turned to all sorts of pursuits that I think were all part of my just wanting to be free.

At this point I had a knowledge of the Bible, still looked at the "truth" as the only way, but felt that God didn't have a need for me like the others in the way. At this point I shut God out, I didn't pray or pick up my Bible for 6 months. Around this time I had heard about those of the "friends" who were leaving for other ways, I remember thinking "there's no way I'll be going anywhere but away from God, I don't have a need for him".

About 4-5 months later, my life had settled somewhat, everyone had got over my leaving the meetings, I now had a TV, my beloved music (a real sound system!), and a homelife that was much happier (my wife does still attend meetings). I had heard the 'wicked' websites and the Internet preached about at convention in 1997 but had never looked for the info myself, I had also read the Secret Sect about 5 years before (and accepted it as a bitter attack on the "way"). Something now made me have a look for the websites, which were easy to find. The info there was and is amazing. I should point out that I had had it explained to me as a child that "God's seed had lain dormant for hundred's of years until the time was right for the spread of the Gospel". I knew that the "workers" only started out 100 years ago as I think many in Australia know and accept. However the knowledge that there was a whole world of people out there who had had experiences just like mine and who had found peace and a knowledge of salvation outside of the "way" was mind boggling. I spent a lot of time sifting through the info and re-read the Secret Sect and other books. I still hadn't touched my Bible. After attempting to talk to my parents and family about some of these things, and not having the Scripture to back me up, I finally turned to the Bible.

My new Bible is the NIV, (it was actually recommended to me by one of the younger workers here when I left the meetings. He said it would open things up, it sure did!). For some reason the first book I read was Romans. This was a book that I had never bothered with unless I had to, I didn't understand it. No wonder! it was about Grace, something that was never preached to me. In one book in one night, God showed to me what his plan is for us and how I fit in! I honestly felt like talking to God, I realised what others had been raving about was true. Since then (2 months) my life has changed. God has shown me I can be and have been forgiven, that I don't need a system to guide me just His Spirit. Before I read the Bible because I felt I had to, now its because I want to. I now feel I have a relationship with Him. What I had before was empty, what I have now is wonderful hope - I am still the same sinner, but I know that God accepts me.

Many who leave the 2x2s are accused of being bitter and possible some are. My experience with the meetings was not a bad one and I know there are positives from my upbringing. However, the meetings didn't give me a personal relationship with God, which is what matters, if anything the unwritten rules and regulations hindered that from happening. I am just so thankful for the way God has now revealed his Truth to me.

I want to thank everyone for their contribution to my spiritual journey, some of you sure have without realising it, it has all been one big lesson for me. I know everyone's experience is different but sometimes I have been blown away to read some of your experiences and how I can relate to them.

Mark

September 2, 1999

My name is Debra Frederick (ne Brown) and although I have been out of the 2x2's for almost 20 years, I have only found the Internet sites this May of 1999. May I say thank you, thank you, thank you and bless you, to all who have put in their time, energy and money to bring this information to us all. God has blessed me so abundantly through the freedom that I first experienced through your efforts. When I left the 2x2's I thought that I was leaving God too, and all these years I thought that to have a relationship with him, I would have to go back. I am so grateful that God has given me a revelation of himself in his Son, Jesus Christ. I can't begin to tell you how I worship his name and give thanks and praise every minute of every day since he has loosed that chains that bound me. How many years I have wasted because I believed a lie. Satan holds the minds of the 2x2's in bondage through his deception. They don't know who Jesus really is and the price that was PAID IN FULL for our sins. I now know the Grace of my Lord and that it was him that did all that was necessary for my salvation. How could I presume that I could add anything to his perfection? I know now that all that is required is faith and belief in Jesus, the Lamb of God.

I was 11 years old when my parents professed. We were living in Coon Rapids, Minnesota for one school year while my dad went to the University of Minnesota in Minneapolis. My mother had been raised in the 2x2's, as her grandparents and parents all professed (in Oregon). My grandparents left the 2x2's when my mother was still in high school, so she had been out for some time. My great grandmother was still professing. My parents embraced the 2x2's with their whole heart and bought in to everything. They professed within a couple of gospel meetings and I know were baptized pretty quickly also. Oh, how my life changed! I was always a good girl, trying to be obedient to my parents and bring their approval on me. I continued to try to do this by never questioning my parents on anything that they requested (by word or insinuation) for me to do or become. We moved back to Oregon, Beaverton specifically, where I was just entering Jr. high school. I was a shy child, but I loved sports and was a great tom boy. Suddenly, no sports outside of PE because it always conflicted with Wed Bible study and I don't think my mother approved anyway. I had to wear dresses constantly so I was told that in order to be a proper young lady I must quit acting so energetically, i.e., no outlet as a tom boy. This was during the late 60's and if a young professing girl ever stood out amongst her peers it was during this time period. Micro mini skirts, hot pants, long hair (not put up of course). Take away my natural talents, put a shy, awkward teenage girl in a new school with a weird religion (that I could never explain, or wanted to, to anyone) who wasn't even allowed to wear nylon stockings with my ugh, long dresses. You ladies know what that is all about. Knee socks AND long skirts?? The kiss of death. Fortunately it does take some time for a pixie cut to grow out, so it was a while before my hair could be put up, but believe me I was made to feel guilty about that too. Guilt. My whole life could probably be summed up in that word. Well, add inadequate, and there you have the main reasons I spent my whole life hating myself. I continued to be the good professing daughter of my parents. I had 4 other sisters at that time that also carried that title. They still do. When I was just out of high school my parents had another daughter and two years later my only brother, so I have siblings that are very much younger than myself. In 1970 we moved to a little town, Orofino, Idaho where I finished high school. My parents still live there. I don't think that I ever had an original thought in my head during all my growing up years. My thinking was totally controlled by my parents and through meetings. My parents have always been very faithful in the 2x2's and our whole life revolved around the friends, meetings and conventions. That's just how it was. This was God's only true way, and why would I question God? I don't know why I was so easily led, but I think that when questions would arise, I was made to feel so stupid and inadequate, that it was always my unwillingness that was the problem, and I would retreat back to my safe place inside myself. I never questioned my parents about anything, and even to this day when I try to have any other opinion about things I am made to feel guilty for even having those thoughts. And I am 44 years old!! Yikes! Don't get me wrong, my parents love me and thought (still think) they were doing the right thing. I have never known who I really am, and when that real person ever tried to come out, it was stuffed back inside, because it would not please my parents. I have spent a whole lifetime trying to do that, and boy have I ever screwed it up now! LOL I thank God that he has made me see that it is not my parents or any other person that I need to please. Only my Lord Jesus. What an easy task that is thanks to his wondrous grace.

Forward a few years, I was living in Hawaii, had gotten married and our oldest was just a few months old, when I just up and quit going to meetings. I am not sure to this day why exactly, except I felt that I could no longer live the life of a hypocrite. I felt that I was going to meeting, saying the proper things, but looking at the self-righteousness of those (including myself) that I was in meeting with, I just couldn't stand it any longer. My husband Ed, (who was in the Army) quit going himself when we moved shortly to our next duty station in Arizona. Then for almost 17 years I thought I was lost unless I went back to meetings, and I COULD NOT DO THAT! For about the last 3 years I had been feeling that there were others, besides those in the 2x2's that knew Jesus and were saved, but I was still caught in the mind control of the 2x2's until I at last had the real truth of the beginnings of their ministry. It has been mentioned on the list lately about physical illness brought on by the 2x2's. I became clinically depressed when I was about 29 years old and became a victim of bulimia at the same time. For around 14 years I suffered severely from these diseases. Why? I would have to say, self-hate. I hated myself, I thought that I was not lovable (even though my husband tells me every day how much he loves me and how beautiful I am) and unattractive (actually downright disgusting), and altogether unworthy. I felt that I never measured up and even though I allowed others to make mistakes and be less than perfect, I could not accept those failings in myself. I thought that my life would never be normal and that I would always have the guilt and shame of the bulimia on me. I know that there are some on this list that don't believe in the power of Jesus, but I can only give you my testimony, and that is this. Jesus has healed me. I don't know if any of you have suffered with, or know anything about bulimia, but to eat anything would start the cycle, just like an alcoholic taking a drink or a drug addict needing a high. I thought about food CONSTANTLY, I was obsessed with it! God took that sickness from me. I can have food in my cupboards, and I don't have to eat it! I can go to the grocery store and bypass all the cookies! You may not realize what a victory this is, but I can tell you that this is one of the chains that He has loosed me from. Depression? GONE, GONE, GONE!! I know that Jesus loves ME! What could be sweeter? I am learning to like who I am, and one day I will know how to love me as I am becoming. God is love, as John says in I John 4:8. When we have His divine love, it permeates every bit of our being. I am learning to love others also as it has been commanded. In my natural, human love, it is hard to actually love every other person that we share this world with, but it is the divine love of God that enables us to do that. Vs 10 says, "It is not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins." HE LOVED(S) US! When I hated myself, he loved me, when I was the most disgusting, he loved me, when I was the most unworthy, he loved me. What perfect, holy, love.

My parents and family refuse to believe the history of Irvine. They accept part of it, but are of the belief that Irvine (although he later went astray) was used by God to bring back the only true way. Why would God have to use a false prophet and a liar to do that? What deception. Satan is the father of all lies. How could anything good and holy come from a lie and deception? All things good come from the Father. James 1:17 "Whatever is good and perfect comes to us from God above, who created all heaven's lights. Unlike them he never changes or casts shifting shadows." God is light and he cannot live in the darkness. How could something good (God) come out of evil (Satan)? I have tried to speak with my parents about the beginnings, about grace and about the Triune God, but they think that I am believing the devil and have told me that I am lost if I continue in this path (plus my children). I have been angry and then hurt by their attitude towards me (which is totally different from the relationship they have with all my professing siblings). My mother told me, when I mentioned this, that my parents and siblings share a relationship that I would never understand, and I could never enter into because they love the same things, i.e., meetings, the workers, convention, the way. I am told that even if I went to heaven I wouldn't like it because I would not have a relationship with the friends. In my weak human love I want to cut myself off from them, because they hurt and wound me, but God's divine love won't let me. I can only pray for them, and for me to love them unconditionally.

We live in Gig Harbor, Washington now. My oldest (a son) is in his sophomore year of college, and my daughter is in her Sr year of high school. God is working in their lives, and I am grateful that I did not bring them up in the 2x2's (another guilt trip there). In spite of their mother's problems, they are beautiful children. I have a wonderful husband (retired from the Army now) who loves God with all his heart and his family. We will be married 22 years in Oct. I have the privilege of not having to work, so I get to be a full time mom to my daughter (and all 5 dogs and 5 cats!) We live in the country so it is all right! lol We are licensed to become foster parents, and we are just waiting for the Lord to send the child he intends for us. Life is wonderful and beautiful. We have a great adventure ahead of us as we seek to go in the direction that God is leading us in. It is possible that we are being led to Eugene, OR to move and start our own business after our daughter graduates from high school. (Security Patrol.) We pray about it every day and know that we are in His hands. God has worked a miracle (more than one) in my life and I will never be the same. Praise his holy name.

Saved by his wondrous grace,

Debra

P.S. I just received a phone call this morning (Sept 9, 1999). His name is Marcus and he is only 1 year old. I will be picking him up sometime today. I pray God that he will endow me with his Holy Spirit so that I will have the wisdom, patience and the strength to keep up!!!

August 28, 1999

I am an ex 2x2, born and raised as were my parents. I am 54, married for the second time, and the mother of a stepson (40) and a daughter (33), from the previous marriage. I professed at 13, baptised at 15 and out by 18! I honestly feel that between the 2x2s and my mother that I was set up to enter a very abusive marriage. My self esteem was pretty low from not being capable of measuring up to the 2x2 standards. Now that I look back, I can see no love for a daughter, only the fear that she would embarass her mother! I know many people still in the church who are warm and caring, so I think my parents just weren't capable of love. My mother did, however, use her religion to control us. The result is one child still professing, two went their own way. After my marriage finally ended my mother came to me with an invitation to start coming to meeting again. She felt that if I never had a cigarette in the morning before meeting , no one would be able to smell smoke on me! It was also too bad my hair was so short. I never went.

The next few years were spent as a single mom. There were lots of parties, lots of men, and lots of fun. There was also a real shortage of money. I don't remember one time a family member asked if I could use some help. That hurt.

My daughter was nine the summer my mom took her on a trip to Alberta to meet her relatives. They had a great time together, and I never raised any objections to her going to Greenshields convention. I was not prepared to find my little girl had taken her stand! When she told me, I asked her what she wanted to do about it, and she said it was just to keep Grandma happy! The next Sunday AM my doorbell rang, and there was a strange lady standing at my door informing me that my daughter was going to meeting with her! When I said she was still in her pjs and didn't want to go, she proceeded to lecture me about denying my daughter the chance to know God. I am sure she felt brownie points in Heaven coming on from the abuse she received over that one! To make it short, it was two years before my daughter and mother saw each other again!

My father professed when he was younger, but I never knew why he stopped going to meetings. Mom always moaned about living in a divided house. I don't know why my father stayed, but he endured years of abuse. He was a very unhappy man to the day he died at the ripe old age of 55. His way of coping was to just stay out of the way and not make waves. That was not my way, however, and there were some pretty bitter arguements.

The happy ending to this story is my husband and I have just celebrated our 20th anniversary. He is a very supportive man, but being raised in a non religious home finds it hard to understand what has been happening with me. His first inkling about any problems came when I read about my cousin's daughter in the BC Report magazine. I felt so betrayed when I found out about William Irvine! I was so hurt to think I had wasted all those years feeling unworthy and dirty when it was all based on an experiment! To think I was trying to live up to a lie had me pacing the floor. I never opened my bible for 36 years, feeling there was no use, I was doomed anyway. The weight that dropped from me while reading the stories on VOT was such a relief! It made me feel as if there was still hope. I have started reading the bible again, and find it very enjoyable. I know this is long, but there are 36 years popping up here! Also, I have spent most of that time suppressing any feelings or thoughts about God. The list, and talking with a couple of very good women has made me realize I don't have to walk alone!

I will likely never have a good relationship with my mother, but neither of us would know what to do with one if we had it! I am starting to have a better relationship with myself, and am forgiving myself for so much hatred. My husband notices that I am more relaxed and smile oftener, and its a start.

June Vinoly

August 1999

Dear Friends,

I originally wrote you in May 1999: I am very grateful for all of you here on this List. I have been a lurker [just listening in] for 12 months but it wasn't a passive lurk it was a very active one. Active because what has been shared over this time has helped tremendously in my personal growing and changing experience.

I am a B&R, 3rd generation 2x2 originally from England but now married and living in Australia. I have to admit that the internet was the tool through which I learnt all about the 2X2 system of which I had no idea!!!! I had many uncomfortable feelings about the importance placed on physical things. I couldn't come to grips with all the outward focus of the Way, hair, clothes for ladies, and behavior peculiar to being a 2X2. I also felt that the meetings were not how Jesus conducted them in the time he was on earth. I used to wonder what it must have been like for those who sat with him at the table, sharing food and TALKING together. I was brought up in a loving family, I didn't have any difficulties that I can say affected me badly but my younger brother feels very differently from me and so this points to the fact that we all don't see identical experiences the same. He was very shy and hated anything that made him feel different. I obviously wasn't like that and I loved school. I had a Baptist girl friend in High School so I think that helped. My long time friend, from age 4 till today, also had a fairly strict upbringing and I didn't realise how different I was. I did feel sort of superior though!!

About 10 years ago I began to feel very strongly that there was something missing, but couldn't seem to see what it was. I felt my service to God was just a "have to" experience. I did all the right things, missions, meetings etc. but never felt much. Emotion was not there or something else needed to be woken up in me. I had no idea what all this meant except I knew I was being a hypocrite. I often spoke to friends and commented that "We're missing the point".

Well, I found the point. The first night I logged on to the new computer I punched in the word 'Cooneyites'. I knew of them through my Mum who often spoke of the early days. But I didn't expect what I got. Here were people who felt just like me. I cried with relief. Every time I read something else that I'd felt, even subconsciously, I buzzed inside. Then it dawned on me that most, if not all of these people, are not in the Truth but they still love Jesus. How was that?!!

I remember, one night about July 15th, reading the "Summer '97 Letter to the Friends" [published on VOT] and in one most amazing moment the truth finally hit me. BANG!!! We have believed something that is totally back to front. The cart before the horse. How apt were those words to me. One of my Dad's favorite sayings. OH! what a moment when I saw the Grace of God, when I saw the reality of the sacrificed life of our Savior, when I grasped with all my being that promise through faith that I AM SAVED. I can't explain the wonder of that moment. Then everything changed. I saw it all, or I thought I did!! Now I know I only saw the beginning of God's amazing plan and I am still, everyday, reveling in what I now have, through His awesome Grace.

There are many on the list who I can't relate to fully, I haven't been in your shoes, but I can feel for you and I do. I feel especially pained because of the depth of agony many of you have faced. And I want to send my love and prayers to each one. I may not say much but I have been feeling it all!

Now, just a couple of months later, I guess I realise that our feelings change daily. How I wish I'd kept a diary over these last 12 months and had written all the new revelations I had and my reactions to them. I find it so hard to really go back into my 2X2 shoes. These new ones don't pinch my toes anymore, they are not squeezing the life out of my bunions, and the soles are not like walking on cold concrete. These new ones are comfortable, soft, giving, like walking on air and there's space for my toes and bunions to breath!!! How's that!?

Not long after making my decision to leave the fellowship I had a visit with the workers. Among other things I told the workers that I felt the true Gospel was not preached, that the point of Jesus' death was so much more important than his life, but they disagreed. The younger one spoke up and said "If he hadn't lived first he would not have died" I said "If he hadn't died, we wouldn't live!"

Their idea that "we don't need to understand very much" worried me a lot. I gathered that they feel I now have a greater understanding but it's not necessary. Not necessary?!!! We parted on a "Thank you for coming", and I haven't heard from them since. My husband was invited to have lunch with them and he told them things he was not happy with but they had the usual response. A story or a diversion.

I think that the way to get all the perspectives on the 2X2's is to read the web sites. I spent about 50 hours doing just that!! I also looked at great Biblical sites that helped me enormously. One especially is by a Les Feldick who just wants to point people to studying the Bible properly. I found his site (http://www.lesfeldick.org/index.html) especially helpful because he uses the KJV and that is good for 2X2's. He is very strong on: Believing + NOTHING = Salvation.

I also read many books, like The Grace Awakening, Recovering from Spiritual Abuse, Understanding God, "Reflections," The Secret Sect. And I've been going to BSF [Bible Study Fellowship]. I wanted to read and find out everything !! I also looked up sites on the Exclusive Brethren, JW's, Mormons etc. A great eye-opener to what a cult is all about. But nothing can beat reading and studying God's word with the blinkers off, and by the Holy Spirit, being directed to real truth. I think another of the greatest helps for me was hearing Chuck Swindoll on radio, and then I bought the Galatians tapes. These are just incredible, and if 2X2's can understand that Grace and their Law cannot abide together then they are on their way to Spiritual freedom, and we have to fight for it!!

The friends cannot 'see' because of partial, and in some cases, complete blindness but by and by with time and a little help from we who so desperately want to help them their eyes will be opened! God is the one with the screwdriver though, and this is something I often forget in my earnestness to help them see.

With love in Christ,

Elaine Williams

August 1999

I live in a little tiny town called Wittenberg in Wisconsin. My parents were born and raised here and then moved away in the 1940's. My dad drove truck out of Green Bay and then Wausau. They had known each other as they were growing up because all of their parents went to meeting together. As time went on my mom and dad went together but my dad didn't want to get married then. He wanted to sow his "wild oats" ( those were his own words ).

My mom went to Chicago to work when she was in her early teens. So my mom met someone else in Chicago and married him. She turned Catholic at that time too. After a few years she had my brother. It turned out that her husband was an abuser. He beat her so bad one time he almost killed her. Her father-in-law told her to divorce his son before he did kill her. So she did.

Then she started going back to meetings. So when she was back home one time she saw my dad and he asked her if he could come visit her in Chicago. So they started going together. Within a year they were married, and I came along a year later. So after mom and dad were married they wanted to go back to meeting . The workers told them that they could come back but that they couldn't take part because my mom was a divorced woman. But they wanted the children to be raised in "the truth". So we went to every meeting that there was. I can remember being about 3 or 4 and the lady workers were going to come stay with us and me worrying that I shouldn't wear my pants because it wouldn't be right. I think that this is when the guilt began <g> !

When I was 5 we moved from Wausau to Wittenberg because my dad wanted to get out of the city and live on a farm again. After we moved things changed. The people from Wausau that we had gone to meeting with, and my parents considered good friends, were told that they should continue to keep company with us. But at the same time there was a change in the workers and worker J.G. and C.M. were in the Wittenberg area. J.G. told the people in the Wittenberg area that they were NOT to keep company with us. So in other words we were shunned by the very people we were to go to meeting with.

Looking back on it, it probably was a blessing in disguise. So instead my parents had "worldly" friends. Since we didn't have that social contact with "the friends" my brother and I were raised in a different atmosphere. They said that my mom was permissive. But she wasn't. She was pretty strict ! It was just a more reasonable upbringing. I still had long hair and that smug attitude though. You know, the one that says "I'm going to heaven and you're not."

We continued going to meetings until I was 17. My mom kept telling my dad that these people weren't Christians and she wasn't going to go anymore. But he and my brother kept going. My brother professed and eventually married a professing girl. They, too, have since quit going to meeting. My dad stopped going sometime before my brother was married.

Ok, fast forward about 14 years. My dad was diagnosed with cancer. His family (brothers and sisters) had the workers come to visit. And with that, we (my mom and dad and me and my son) were going to meetings again. My dad died 13 months after the diagnosis. Those were some of the worst months of our lives ! Because of my dad’s illness and knowing that he wasn't going to get better and the way that his family treated all ofus ...it was horrible !! They hated my mom and thought that she was just waiting for dad to die. Nothing could have been farther from the truth. They interfered in everything from his medical treatment to the food he ate. But at least I can Thank God that he accepted Jesus (through a lot of long talks with my mom) before he died and I know that we will betogether again someday. Dad died in November of 1989. Mom and I kept going to gospel meetings.

That following September we both professed at convention. It was a very emotional time for me. My sister-in-law said that they were tears of joy. But they weren't ! They were tears of sadness. I didn't know how this was going to effect my marriage . And I know it sounds so silly but I thought "now I can't polish my toenails anymore." Imagine...feeling like I was going to go to hell if I wore nail polish. It seems so foolish now !! I have to say that the only good thing that came out of this whole episode was that I accepted Jesus as my Savior. This happened before I professed and in my ignorance I really didn't even understand this. I can remember the exact moment that the Holy Spirit filled my body. Here I was free in the Lord and being led into bondage. So when we (my mom and myself) started going to meeting and listening to other peoples’ testimonies I thought "hmmmmmm....I must not get it because what they are saying just doesn't make sense. And if they think that they are so undeserving and awful and they have been professing for years ...what chance do I have of getting to heaven ?" It was so depressing to go to Sunday morning meeting. And then when I heard one of the people say in their prayer "thank you for Jesus our elder brother" I could hardly believe my ears. I thought "don't these people know that Jesus and God are one and the same, yet separate ?" And then throw the Holy Spirit in there, too. That they are 3 in 1. And you are just making Him out to be a man ? Oh my goodness!!! This is when all the doubting started. And I really started to listen to what the workers were preaching . It didn't make a lot of sense ! My mom and I had a lot of long discussions at this time.

It wasn't too long after that that we got a letter telling us about William Irvine. That was the beginning of the end. Finally I just felt like I had had it. Enough lies and deception ! I quit that December. In January my mom asked a friend of hers if she could go along to her church. I asked if I could go, too. That was the beginning of freedom ! After we started to go to church and we would be singing a hymn and I would think... "the tune is familiar but the words are different." The workers even had to pervert the hymns and change the words to sacrifice and works. How disgusting !

Now I have a new song in my heart and I can sing praises to my Lord and Savior everyday ! The real truth set me free !!!

Your sister in Christ,

Linda Boreen-Maseman.

August 1999

Hello Everyone,

I joined The List over two years ago now, and at that time I was too
afraid to share much. I didn't feel "free" enough to tell my story, and I
didn't even write a "blurb". Now, however, I have met quite a few of you
personally and I have experienced MUCH healing and personal growth; so, at
the prompting of a few friends, I will share some of my story. I don't
want to make it too long, so I will concentrate on my childhood in the
"truth", how I came about leaving, how I transitioned to a "worldly church"
and how I found this List. If anyone would like more details, feel free to
write me personally.

I was a third generation B&R, raised in the Seattle area. My father's
parents had both been workers, and I didn't care for them much (they were
VERY strict and sober), but I knew that I had a great "heritage." My
grandfather helped to "bring the gospel" to this country from Ireland (no,
I didn't know at the time that he professed through Edward Cooney). My
father was socially and emotionally stunted by his severe upbringing. He
wasn't allowed to attend school past the 8th grade (but he is very bright).
They had a radio (but kept it hidden in the closet), and his mom was known
as one of the "Black Stocking Gang."

My father educated himself and obtained good jobs and provided well for his
family. It is hard to explain what my childhood was like. I felt as
though I had a "split personality" as I was growing up and I lived much of
the time in a fantasy world. Half of me was very, very good and loved the
workers and the meetings. The other half of me missed all that my friends
had, and secretly read movie magazines, listened to rock and roll, and even
practiced the "twist" (in my dark basement). I had lots of energy and
dreamed of "dancing." I also felt that God had a "split
personality"--sometimes he was loving and kind and other times I was afraid
he was going to send some terrible calamity upon me.

My earliest memories are of "playing meeting", lining up the chairs and
putting my siblings in them, and then preaching to them. I remember being
told when I was very small (short enough to stand under the
breadboard)--that I was destined to become a worker. Part of me accepted
that and was thrilled to be "chosen"--and I was being "groomed" for the
work. But part of me was terribly depressed. I cried frequently because I
knew I could never have a boyfriend, never get married, and never have
children. 

How was I "groomed"? I was given music lessons, so that I could learn to
sing well and play the piano for meetings (which I did from age 10 on). I
formed close associations with many workers, writing and visiting often. I
was invited to stay up at Milltown convention, the month prior to
convention--working, studying and living with the workers, to see what it
was like. Yes, I got to stay in the "Big House", and play the piano to
entertain the workers at night. I felt SO privileged--I couldn't have been
happier if I had been in the White House! I also was connected with
several workers who were in or had been in Korea, as that was the field I
was to go to. I began taking Korean language studies and learning their
culture.

All of our social life, all of our friends revolved around the "truth."
The highlight of every year was always convention. No question--that was
the best time of my whole young life. Even though my folks knew about the
"beginnings", and a lot of the conflicts (George Walker was often in my
dad's home)--I was sheltered from all of this. I was never told how my
grandpa came to know the "truth", nor whom my grandma professed through. I
believe they felt that if I knew too much, I would begin to piece things
together! I was sheltered from every hint of any trouble or scandal. I
never knew anyone left the "truth" (except maybe a rebellious kid here and
there)--certainly never any workers. The "truth" really was "perfect" to
my young mind.

As a senior in high school, I was counseled by the workers to receive an
education in something that I could fall back on if I became ill, or it
didn't work out for me in the work. My choices were secretary, nurse or
teacher. My folks didn't believe in education and were afraid that "the
world" would get ahold of me if I left home, so they were opposed to
further education. I only had a few hundred dollars in babysitting money.
Without my knowledge, my high school teachers had gotten together and
discussed my situation. One of them finally came to me and told me that
they thought I was so bright and had so much potential. They thought I
would really "blossom" and learn to think for myself if they could get me
out from under my parent's thumb! So, they devised a way for me to get
away from home. They chipped together enough money (from their own
pockets) to completely pay for my first quarter away at college--room and
board and everything. After that, they gave me instructions on how to get
further financial aid, which they said would be no problem once I had
proven myself to be a good student.

So off to college I went. I was SO excited. I had never been away from my
parents. I had never spent a night anywhere without them (except at
convention). I had never dated (that wasn't allowed since I was to become
a worker.) I was as homely as a rug, with my long hair, freckles, awful
clothes that aged me 20 years at least, and my bad teeth (my sister got her
teeth fixed because she had to date and find a husband, but my folks that
being homely was an advantage to a worker.....)

I did splendidly at college and loved learning everything I could about
people and things. The first class I enrolled in was in computers (this
was back in 1965), and I had to learn Fortran programming language--it was
SO exciting to be on the cutting edge of the computer revolution. I met so
many interesting people. My roommates were SO wild, I couldn't believe it!
I really got an eyefull quickly.

My brother and I have discussed our later teenage years, and we both feel
that we were especially protected because we could have gotten into some
TERRIBLE fixes because we were totally ignorant and knew nothing about sex,
drinking or drugs. We thank God every day that we came through that time
of life without any scars. I had no moral foundation. All I knew were the
rules, and they didn't seem to apply to life "on the outside". So I walked
into several situations, not knowing what I was getting myself into, but
then something made me very afraid and cautious--and I believe it was the
Holy Spirit protecting me, taking over where my knowledge and experience
left off.

While in college, as I said, I met many interesting people. One of them
was a teacher who was to become my mentor and a good friend. He was older
than my parents. He was so old, that he couldn't have been a "hippie", he
was more of a "beatnik" (if anyone remembers those!) He was SO intriguing
to me. I could listen to him talk for hours and hours. He didn't drink or
do drugs, and because he was a teacher, I felt safe with him. He was so
fascinating because he had really LIVED. He was a veteran (I had never
known one personally) and he was an artist (I'd never known one of those,
either). He was a sculptor by trade--could create marvelous works from
bronze mostly, but also did some in marble. He was a fabulous
painter--could recreate anything in just minutes, a great photographer and
jewelry maker. Very talented. He introduced me to hiking, backpacking,
and the great mountains in our area (which to this day I love very much). 

The 2x2 grapevine works very well in our area. It wasn't very long before
the workers found out about my friend. Yes, he was truly just a friend (I
don't know what exactly the stories were!) Because of how alarmed the
workers and my folks were, I believe they assumed we were having an affair.
AN AFFAIR!! I couldn't believe it. I had never had a date and never even
been kissed! I was mortified and insulted and VERY MAD. 

I was told in no uncertain terms that unless I stopped seeing this man, I
could no longer go to meetings, I could never come home again, I could
never see my family again, and I could have no contact with my brother or
sister, ever again (my influence was too horrible).

When I was in high school I had nagging questions in the back of my mind.
How did such 
"heathens" write such beautiful hymns such as Amazing Grace, I Don't Know
About Tomorrow, How Great Thou Art, etc.? What about Fanny Crosby??? My
teachers, who were so kind and gracious to me, even sending me to
college...they went to church and thought they were Christians. They lived
what I thought Christianity really was--how could they be so wrong? Would
they go to Hell just because they happened to be raised in the wrong
religion? What about Billy Graham, Dr. David Livingstone and other
missionaries and evangelists who spent their life dedicated to what they
thought was the Lord's work. I believed they were honest and sincere.
Would God say all that effort was for nothing and cast them away, too? I
couldn't believe that a loving, just God would do something like that.
What about the billions of people the world over who never had heard the
"gospel"? (Yes, I remember being told that EVERYONE had at least one
chance in their life, but I know how big the world is and I didn't believe
that one!)

So when I was slammed in the face with their scathing judgment of me and my
friend, I was shocked. I had never been criticized or threatened by the
workers or my parents before. I'd always "towed the line" faithfully--at
least on the outside! When I was given a choice "it's us or him", I
stepped back and tried to look at the situation rationally. As I
hesitated, the workers and friends began a barrage of letters, calls,
unexpected visits, etc. I was constantly in fear because workers would
pop out from behind the pillars or trees on the campus and begin harrassing
me, "How could you do such a thing, how could you shame your folks, this is
such a terrible waste, you have such a wonderful future ahead of you--on
and on and on." They even tried to threaten me with death. YES, I was
told by many different people, horrible stories of what happened to this
friend, their brother, this acquaintance--as soon as they left the "truth".
My mom even told me that she was having a nervous breakdown, and that she
knew I would be dead within 5 years if I didn't leave college and come to
my senses and come home immediately.

As a child I was very much loved and treasured--by the workers more than
anyone else. I believed that God loved me as these older workers loved me.
I truly believe that these ones that I loved so much, were sincere and
trying to follow the Lord as best they knew how. Yes, I believe they were
deceived, but I believe that most of them were totally ignorant of many of
the abuses that were going on in the name of their religion. I often sing,
"'til we meet, 'til we meet, 'til we meet at Jesus feet..." And I truly
believe that we will be sitting at Jesus' feet in Heaven together, as I
once sat at their feet listening to Bible stories, learning about why Jesus
came to earth, memorizing the names of the books, Bible verses, etc.

So when this experience happened to me at college, it contradicted
everything I had ever known before about the "truth". It contradicted
everything I felt about God. Their actions did not seem "Christian" in any
way, shape or form. They totally trashed and criticized my friend, and in
essence wanted him doomed to Hell, the faster the better--and this is
Christlike??? Do you have to practice devious manipulation and use threats
of death to keep people in the "true way?" I didn't believe it then and I
don't believe it now. I always believed that God drew people by love.
Love is the only thing that can get through hard hearts and even harder
heads! Love is decent, pure and kind and always believes the BEST! (I
KNEW my scripture!)

I was in a terrible dilemma. Did I want to lose my family? Could I give up
the meetings? What if I never got to go to convention again? Could I go
it by myself? Did I feel I was right strongly enough to risk everything?

Well, the "rebel" half of me won out. The side that wanted to be
"normal"--the side that wanted to be married and have a family.
So....there I was at 19 with nothing but a small suitcase of belongings.
Very few friends (just the few I'd made at college), no relatives, no
folks, and (worst of all) no church and no one to talk to.

I was very despondent and back in those days we didn't have counselors. My
roommate hauled me down to talk to her priest who was very kind and caring.
He assured me that God loved me even if everyone else were to leave
me--He'd always be there and He could comfort me in this hard time. The
priest was always there and the church was always open, and I felt safe
there. I knew (and didn't want to know) nothing about their doctrine.
That began a lifelong connection with the Catholic church. To this day, I
still work part time for the Sisters of Providence. I get along very well
with the sisters and the fathers. And I will always be grateful for their
help.

My artist friend, knowing that my friendship with him had cost me almost
everything, felt terrible about the circumstances. I didn't even have a
winter coat, and he purchased me one. I was practically the only student
left on campus during the holidays (everyone else had a home to go to), so
he took me under his wing and introduced me to his friends, and I was kept
occupied. To make a long story short, I eventually married this friend--I
was 19 and he was 46. We moved all the way across the United States to New
Hampshire (he had relatives there)--all because I had to get away from the
2x2s that I kept bumping into. They either shunned me or lectured me, and
I was a basket case over the situation. I couldn't talk to them because I
didn't *know* anything (theologically) to reason with them--I just had
feelings and intuition.

Back East we had two children and were very active in the First Baptist
Church. It was a small town, so all protestants went to this church. They
welcomed all people, of any faith, as Christians. I never heard any
doctrine from them, either. They were there to be of service and help in
any way that we wished, and I made many wonderful friends there. We had a
lot of good, fun times as well as worship. After the kids were born the
pastor asked me if I wanted the kids baptized. Well, I had never heard of
anyone baptizing little kids--so the pastor asked if I wanted them
dedicated and explained that it was more of a ceremony where the parents
promise to raise the children to know and love the Lord, and introduce them
to Jesus at an early age. Well, THAT I believed in (even though I had
never heard of "dedicating" children, either!)

We attended the Baptist church for quite a few years and I enjoyed playing
the piano and the organ for the services. I wanted to be useful! Many of
the hymns we sung there were the same ones I had learned in meetings. It
felt quite strange, singing them in a "church". I was very happy. I had
the family I had dreamed of. I had wanted lots of kids, but at 50 my
husband was not anxious to have any more. So I was content. I grew
stronger and more confident in myself. Eventually we moved back to
Washington so I could finish college. By that time, the 2x2ers had
forgotten about me, and they didn't bother me any more. WHEW!

When I was doing my student teaching, one of my students was a real "live
wire" and was continually talking about how good the Lord was and what
wonderful things he was doing. I was very impressed by his boldness--and
the fact that he was still well liked by his peers! He invited me to his
church where they just happened to be on the tail end of a revival. BOY,
that was an eye opener for me. I had never seen such enthusiasm, such joy,
and people so open about loving and worshipping the Lord. I was on the
pastor's doorstep the next morning with a TON of questions about what went
on in that service. At the end of the service, the pastor asked, "Do you
know for sure that you are saved?" Well, I hadn't thought of it quite that
way before. I assumed I was, but I wasn't real sure just what he meant--so
that was when I made absolutely sure--I didn't want any question about that
issue. That began my long association with a charismatic church.

When the children were young, I was very involved in Sunday School. I
really got into learning the material, so I would know how to teach the
youngsters. I learned right along with the kids. I had A LOT to learn.
My knowledge of doctrine was extremely weak. I also continued to enjoy
playing the piano, the organ occasionally, and for awhile I even had the
church choir. That was lots of fun, putting on Easter Cantatas, etc. It
was a lot of work, too. (I'm not nearly so involved now!) I also learned
to reach out into the community and share some of the wonderful things I
had been blessed with and I was often ministering at the nursing homes or
one of the missions.

One of the first things I did after I left was to get a new Bible. I
needed a different version, one that didn't have so many "memories." I did
a lot of very serious Bible study for many years, to get my spiritual
"feet" under me. I studied, learned, questioned, and checked out
everything that bothered or worried me. I had some wonderful teachers,
from many different denominations.

In all this time, I had no contact with my parents. In 1971 the Lord gave
me a new set of "adopted" parents--I don't know if I adopted them, or they
adopted me. But I had no parents and they had always wanted a daughter.
Barbara and Ray have watched faithfully after me ever since, and made all
the hard times a lot easier to bear. I went through some very difficult
times in my 20's. I had never been a "teenager"--and there were lots of
things I wanted to explore and try. This didn't please them very often.
But I will never forget, after giving me some much needed advice Barbara
said, "I know you are going to do what you want to do, but remember this,
we will ALWAYS love you no matter what." That was the first time in my
life I had ever experienced unconditional love. I was overwhelmed and
couldn't believe that someone would still be your friend, much less love
you, if you did something very bad or something they disapproved of.

As you can see I was growing and changing and getting lots of self
confidence and building lots of self esteem. My husband (who still thought
of me as his child) was not thrilled with my growth. He wanted his "little
girl" back--the little girl who needed him desperately, who had no one
else, who took in every word he said, who did everything he told her to do.
But I was anxious to get on with LIVING, and he was an old man and he
didn't want to do anything that was young, fun or popular! I felt like I
was back living with my folks again. As I began to try my wings, he began
to abuse me physically. As the kids began to get older and also a little
"argumentative" or wanting to do things their own way, he began to abuse
them as well. He was what they call a "super control freak." It didn't
matter if it was sewing, cleaning the kitchen, or peeling an apple--it had
to be done exactly as he said. I was never allowed to do it my way, or any
other way. He even called the pastor into the house once and said, "Please
tell my wife that she has to obey me." I was SO afraid of what he was
going to say, but I was so pleased when he launched into a large lecture to
my husband, of what the duties and responsibilities of the husband
were--and that if he really loved me and was a good husband, I would be
delighted to be a good wife (it wasn't something you could force someone
into.)

The time finally came when the abuse got so bad, all 3 of us feared for our
lives. I regret it now, but at the time I did not want family counseling,
I just wanted out. I wanted to be free and to do some "living."

The years passed quickly. I had my "teenage" years when I was nearly 30.
I married again, to a much younger, "funner" guy--but an even worse
husband. I had never had any experience with drinking, and certainly never
with drugs. I got into a REAL mess. I was SO naive, and so DUMB. He got
abusive before we even got married, but I excused it all away. It was a
TERRIBLE, horrible 10 years. If there is "hell on earth", I experienced it
then.

Fortunately, after that bad experience I could see that *I* had some
problems myself--why did I keep choosing this kind of guy? And I went into
therapy. That was a great eye opener. I saw that I was raised in a very
disfunctional family and that was what contributed to my picking that kind
of partner. I started to see the light! (I suffered so much emotional,
physical and spiritual abuse--I still regularly work with a Christian
therapist who has experience with effects of cults.)

Best of all, I found a kind, supportive friend who had also been through
some hurtful times. I made sure that he was NOT aggresive. My husband has
never hunted or fished (couldn't kill a thing!), and he's never hit
anyone--not even his kids. He also was very wise and made sure that my
first husband was welcome in our house and was included in all the
activities of the children (birthday parties, graduations, etc.) I was
able to have several good talks with my first husband and thank him for all
that he did for me. He really did a great deal (even though I was awfully
mad at him for a long time!) I thanked him for rescuing me, helping build
my self esteem, and for introducing me to the great outdoors. (He is the
"tall bearded stranger" in my Freedom poem.) He died shortly after that,
and I am so thankful that I had the opportunity to make things right and
that he understood, accepted what I had done, and forgave me.

Now, I had started attending some family functions and seeing my folks a
few times. They never knew their grandkids, but I think that (under the
circumstances) that was for the best. I did not want them indoctrinated or
taken to meetings! I gave them a solid, Biblical foundation--and now they
won't be swayed into anything strange or cultish.

Now we are 30 years after I left the meetings. In all of this time, I had
never talked to a "truther" (other than my folks and sister). Ten years
after I left I attended one more Milltown convention. This was just before
I decided to cut my hair off. I wanted to sit through an entire
convention. If I could do this and not be overcome with guilt or tempted
to "profess" again--I knew I really was free. It just happened that my
folks were off on a cruise and my sister was in Alaska. I stayed on the
grounds (looking back, that was so brave of me). I took in the WHOLE
covention. Most people didn't know who I was and the few I spoke with
didn't seem to know I had left (or they didn't say anything). For most of
the time I was just all by myself. Just thinking and remembering and
weighing my decision. Well, I made it through with flying colors, not one
tear and not one regret. And the next week, off came the hair! I took my
new "mom" to another convention--just because she was SO curious about the
group I was raised in. (No one knew us there, or paid any attention to
us--even though by this time we both looked like total outsiders!)

Here's the part about how I found this list and got in contact with other
"exes"....
Just over two years ago my father suffered a nervous breakdown. He tried
to commit suicide three times. He was placed in a mental hospital in
Seattle. None of the friends ever visited him. None of the workers came.
The rest of the family was busy, or didn't like the "hospital." I took a
motel room near the hospital and spent the days with my dad. I ate with
him, saw the social worker, went to therapy, and just spent quiet time.
After a couple of days my dad looked at me strangely and said, "How come,
after all we put you through, you are here now--and no one else is?" I
told him that the past was gone, all we have are our "tomorrows" and the
answer to why I was there was just one word, "Grace." That began the
gradual mending of bridges to bring our family back together. It began a
journey that is still ongoing--showing my folks what real "Christianity" is
like.

So how did this lead to me finding this List??? I asked my sister what she
thought caused Dad's breakdown and she told me it was all the news coming
out about abuse by the workers, and other attacks on the "truth"--plus,
"There's this group on the Internet that are spreading lies and calling us
a Secret Sect." WHOA....That set off my alarms. I didn't say anything,
but within a few hours I was on the Internet and searching for anything
about a "Secret Sect." Sure enough, I found the VOT site and wrote Sandi
asking her if there was anyone in the Pacific Northwest that had left the
"truth" that I could write to. I was SO surprised when she forwarded my
letter to about a dozen people who turned around and wrote to me promptly.
I was SO thrilled! She also told me how to get on the List. There were
about 70 people on the List when I joined.

I had never heard of any of the books (how could I, if I had no contact
with any of the other exers?) So I ordered all the books and jumped right
in reading all the information. That information has really helped me in
my discussions with my folks and sister--plus it finally laid to rest once
and for all that nagging worry. What if the Way of the Friends and Workers
is really the only one true way to Heaven??? Even though I had been to
church for 30 years and read my Bible many times, and was reasonably
content and satisfied--still....that doubt that was planted in my head from
the time I was a tiny baby was still there.

Now I've made some wonderful friends. Gotten in contact with a boy I used
to go to Sunday morning meeting with. Had communion served to me, by
another fellow "exer". I've talked to an ex-worker who knew my father as a
small child, and could explain the conditions under which he grew up. Most
special of all, I've gotten a hug and "you've done SO well"--approval from
a worker that I loved so much as a child (who is also out now, too). After
30 years I now can talk freely to the friends and workers whenever I come
in contact with them. I don't run from them anymore--in fact I love the
challenge of sharing my faith with them! Power and information make
communication effective. 

I think you can see now why I appreciate all of you folks so much--your
life experiences and your help and advice have changed my life around.
You've made all the pieces come together and helped me to make sense out of
all that I've gone through. I wouldn't be here today, and I wouldn't be
able to help others if I hadn't been through those experiences. I have a
lot to be thankful for....I never realized it before!

Love to Everyone from Rosalie in Washington