I grew up in the 2x2s and left at the age of 18. I was respectful of my parent's wishes that I wear my hair long, wear skirts (well nearly all the time .-) and on the outside appeared the perfect 2x2 girl - I wasn't!!!!!! I decided that I was not going to stand up and profess a belief that I had no understanding of and despite amazing amount of pressure from the workers and my parents I didn't profess. I think my worst hurts stem from this decision. In my parent's eyes I was always their failure no matter how successful I was in other areas of my life. My parents blamed themselves (and became even stricter 2x2s) and made every effort to ensure that I would "profess": nudging me when the meeting was tested, to tears and silences that lasted for weeks - my mother even took to humming hymns in my hearing..........

I'm glad I made the decision not to profess - I would have been doing it to please other people. I had no understanding of the wonderful presence of God and that gift he gave us - it took a long time to even start thinking about God after I left......too much pain.......These days I am a Christian......very careful and cautious. I attend church sporadically - there are times when too many memories surface, triggered by a hymn we sang in the meetings or the minister saying something that probably has a totally different meaning to the 2x2 meaning or even some well meaning person saying "what church did you used to go to?" ...and I back off.......often I wish I could attend and feel part of a church group - I know it takes time and I have a lot of supportive people in the church I attend who know of at least some of my background.

BUT.....there seems to be always the "2x2" experience to deal with......and I'm coming to a realization and acceptance that it will always be there for me to deal with..... 10/99

The things that hurt me most in the 2x2s was being led to believe that we
were started by Jesus. The knowledge that I had been lied to, deceived etc -
that broke my heart (for a while). What is hurting now is that my family
although they know it, seem to feel that the deception is not a real issue.
The cost of coming out is worse for them. The worker that I spoke to about
it knew!! I told her I had read in a book that we had been started up by a
man and she said that she knew, but --- what hurt was that she had spoken at
the beginning of each year that she was preaching in our district that we
had no earthly founder and that Jesus had started 'this way'. I knew of at
least 4 times when she had said this in those two years, yet she knew it was
a lie.

Secondly, what hurt was that when I started asking her questions she told me
that because I had been to a Baptist church that I had been 'blinded' and
had better not come back to the meetings. My grandparents professed in 1928
and so had all our family and yet 51 years of loyalty went out the door
like that. Mind you I know that it was God who finally closed the door as I
had been going to the Baptist Church and meetings for about 5 months and just
couldn't make the break. My fear was that if I left the meetings I might not
be saved, if I stayed with the meetings I would be. I later came to know
that the opposite was true.

Finally, my biggest regret was being a misfit at school. Kids would get into
me about the way I looked. I won all the school running and high jump for
five years in a row and longed to go to running club, but mum thought she
was doing the right professing thing and not let me do sport outside of
school. She was upset to find out later that some real good professing kids
from real good professing homes (if there is any such thing) did
Saturday/outside of school sport - but they kept it quite. Poor mum tried to
do the right thing being in a divided home and all. I vowed that my own kids
would go to running club when I grew up and they did, I was professing and all.

Love Lynn   6/97

I'd have to say that my worst hurt was the FEAR I experienced each time I even considered leaving the sect during the 14 years I professed. My FEAR was real and it kept me in bondage and caused me to pretend to be someone other than who I was.

Now, in looking back, one other very great hurt is the realization of what happened (or DIDN'T happen) between my husband and myself when I was professing. I attended meeting. He did not. I had professed near the ten year mark of our marriage and as I got more and more caught up with new professing friends and with all the "have-tos" of the group and meetings, meetings, and more meetings, he and I drifted apart. By the time I left the meetings he and I had next to nothing in common. We were strangers living under the same roof. [Thankfully, I can praise God that since my exit from that organization our marriage is better than it ever has been!]

Another very real hurt is the realization [sometimes I hear direct quotes] that the friends consider me a nut or a kook or evil or Satan inspired. Of course I expected this. I simply feel that everyone in the Way SHOULD have the right to know the truth about the "Truth."

I would like nothing better than to be able to help the friends in Saskatchewan.

Love in Christ,

Sandi Gunther

I have two great hurts connected to my experience as a 2x2.

I can remember feeling socially snubbed as a teenager. There were lots of teens in WA state at the time, and while I was sometimes involved I never felt all that included. I now realize that I bear some of the responsibility for this because I wasn't all that mature socially and kind of kept to myself.

But one of the reasons that happened was because I'd been conditioned to 'keep away' from the world, and if you spend all day at school keeping people at arm's length how do you turn that off for meeting or for a few days of convention each year. I wasn't very good at it, but I still remember feeling really hurt a few times and I do not think that I was totally responsible. Maybe I was a 'so-so' or 'snubbed' saint and just didn't know my place. The people who I now really miss or still keep in contact with from my time as a 2x2 were all adults when I was a child. I remember that it seemed even worse when I came back to the area after graduation to go to college. (after a 2 year absence), but by that time I was on my way out anyway.

A much greater hurt is the fact that when I stopped attending meetings no one seemed to notice. I actually reprofessed once but I still felt no real connection, so it lasted about three months and I left for good and did not set foot in a meeting for 12 years. In that twelve years NO ONE--my family, any workers, or any of the people I loved (and still do) EVER asked my what was wrong and why I left.

THAT is incredibly painful; they believe I have damned myself for eternity and no one feels that the matter deserves discussion?? This makes me angry, heart broken, sad, frustrated, and confused. If the 2x2 way has such wonderful fellowship and love, and the workers are the only true shepherds isn't the loss of one of the flock a concern and a matter worth fighting for? I have come to the conclusion that the reason that no one asks is FEAR. Until I left, to all appearances I was a 'hearty' member. Consequently If I 'lost out' maybe everyone's 'faith' is fragile, and maybe just maybe what I might say might hurt their own fragile faith (now it just might! ! !). I think that ______ ______ once said that the 2x2's 'shoot their own wounded.' Sad but true. The odd thing is that when I left, I really didn't have any strong conviction except that I felt it was sinful to be a hypocrite.

I didn't find out most of the story about Irvine until Feb. of this year. (I left in 1984-1985). Unlike many of you, that experience didn't make me feel angry or betrayed. I found out through the VOT site and what I felt most was a profound relief of the overpowering sense of loneliness I had after I left. The VOT site and this list have helped me work through many very intense feelings that I had tended to bury. I feel that has been a positive experience. That HURT and ANGER has to be dealt with and I thank you all for being here to provide a place to deal with it.

Whoa--- another of my small tangents but then I still can get sometimes emotional about what happened and probably always will. Sorry for the long post and thanks for listening.

Love Bob McPhail 6/97

The worst hurt of the truth is current for me, as my father does not believe he can marry again. He is now 70, and I think lonely. It hurts me every day to think that he could have someone to care for him as a loving partner but is constrained by his belief system. His quality of life is very diminished by this (although he would vigorously disagree w/me) in my opinion. Additionally, he is not allowed to take part in meeting, which I think is downright cruel, and brings tears to my eyes as I write this. He accepts this with the grace that is characteristic of him. A loving God would never impose such rules on a kind and sincere man. I believe he is ("saved") as you term it. I know many of you disagree, and I that is fine we can just disagree, but I think there are "rooms" in whatever heaven is, for ALL people of sincere heart. (AND I am not going to quote scripture here because you all know the one that applies) 10/97

My worst hurt was being called in the morning of my wedding day and
being told that it wasn't too late to back out!!  It was absolute
condescension and poor poor pitiful _____.  She doesn't know what she is
doing.  As far as I can remember I was in my right mind.

He wasn't professing. I guess his conversion to the Truth was out of the
question considering how he and I were treated.  When I saw the lack of
caring about his soul that was total devastation to me.  Any chance of
him ever wanting to profess was gone.  Of course I had stopped going to
meetings, but the bridge got burned that day.  It will never be
re-constructed either.

Not one Christian attitude towards us and certainly no love.  There was
condemnation aplenty though.  I could count on that.

So anyway that was one of my worst hurts.

3/98

I don't want to divulge my worst hurts,
way too painful, so I’ve decided to tell about my worst "worker" hurt. I don't
know if we can use actual names on here or not so I will just use this
worker's initials and you guys can figure out who he is.  As all of you know,
I grew up in Oklahoma and for many years, D.S. was in and around our area and
stayed or ate at my parent's home a lot over the years. So I knew him and he
knew me, of course, and he also knew my surrounding family. Well, a few years
passed and I married and moved to Denver. It was special meeting time,
probably around 1977 or 1978 and D.S. was here in Denver for our special
meeting at Alameda High School in Wheatridge. His sermon was: "On the outside
looking in, On the inside looking out, or On the inside looking in!"  It was
during our lunch hour and people were milling about and I spotted D.S. and
thought how happy he would be to see me after a few years so I bopped over to
him all happy. I said, "Hi, D., remember me, I used to be Cheryle x0x0x0x0!"
(Last name withheld) How are you?" At this point, he took his eyes and scanned
them up and down me, took his arms and crossed and waved them in front of him
forming the letter X, tilted his head in disapproval and said, "Don't tell me,
Don't tell me, 'YOU' are on the inside looking out!!!" And with that, he
turned from me and walked away.
     Astonished, dismayed, disillusioned, and my mouth hanging open, I watched
him walk away. What a put-down!!!!!!!! This really hurt me!!! Just added
another layer to my shattered self-esteem!! There have been many times I have
wished I could go nose to nose with this worker and say, "How dare you judge
me like that!"
     To those men who post here about the irrelevancy of women's dress to the
2x2's, I beg to differ. Form always came first, and woe to those of us with
whom they didn't perceive measured up.
     I just want to express from the bottom of my heart that I am so ecstatic
to be a 2x2 outsider and 'out' of and away from this judgment!! I shall never
forget this "hurt" as long as I live.
3/98
Cheryle Winberg